crowspace | For ninjou.

[Not awkward, no. Certainly not.]

Alright.

[...He doesn't want to breach the subject, but he has to, eventually.]

Do you remember last night at all?

[Actually, that breaks the tension for Dazai, who sighs and grins over at Odasaku.]

What, do you mean the part where I kissed you and you completely rejected it? Or the part where I almost slept on your floor?

[Odasaku's eyes widen for a moment, before he looks away.]

...I wasn't going to let you sleep on my floor. But I meant the first part.

[It wasn't a complete rejection. He told Dazai that already.]

[He said it to see what reaction it would get if he misrepresented the situation. It's not a good enough response.]

Right. Yes, I remember that. Obviously. Why wouldn't I? I was lucid.

[But see him being good and not acting on it?]

I meant everything I said, too.

So did I.

[Odasaku shuts off the stove. He has the feeling this conversation will be distracting, and the omelette was about done anyway.]

I'm paying attention to you.

[So if he still wants to... he can try again.

It's still frightening. But it's something he can't push away with the excuse that he doesn't want to take advantage of his drunk friend this time.]

[Ah. There he goes, safety first, even conscious and patient and good. Dazai envies that purity a little. Wonders how he keeps it. Thinks it's too good for the life he leads... but that he's suited to it somehow, too.

If Odasaku looks uneasy at all, Dazai's not going to do this. But he calms, because Odasaku does that to him, and he breathes, because he feels like he has to.]

[Uneasy's not the word. Maybe he's a little confused about how he got in this situation, but mostly just - waiting. Waiting for Dazai's lead, as usual.

If Dazai backed out now, Odasaku wouldn't think any less of him for it. And part of him doesn't know what he'll do if he doesn't back out - not the immediate issue of how to respond to a kiss, because he knows that much, but after, the what-are-we-now and do-we-do-that-again that inevitably follow those things.

But that part isn't too loud right now. Right now he's just... patiently waiting for Dazai to make his choice.]

[Dazai waits, watches, and clucks his tongue a little.]

Stop thinking so hard. You're going to hurt yourself.

[He doesn't want to back out. He wants to know. Just... he wants to know what it feels like to be that close to someone he genuinely doesn't dislike. Someone he actively likes. A good, solid, principled man, even if he is a little foolish.

Dazai, of course, has no interest in men. Of course. But Odasaku is something wholly different, and... well, it's only a kiss.

He won't back down.

Turning toward Odasaku, he puts a hand on his shoulder and moves him so they'll face each other.]

Tell me to stop if you want me to stop. I have absolutely no authority over you on this one, you know.

I know. I would, if I wanted you to.

[There are some things he knows he shouldn't let Dazai push him around on. This is one of them. And he wouldn't, even if Dazai didn't say so.]

...But I don't think I will.

[Maybe it's alright to admit that much out loud. Odasaku isn't one to hide things - he just isn't always sure whether it's alright to put them into words.]

Good. Just this once, then.

[He doesn't waste much time, but when he leans in, a hand on the side of Odasaku's neck, he's far more gentle and on target than last night. It is soft and warm and chaste, nothing so foolish as before. It's an experiment. It's respectful and cautious and there's only a slight movement of Dazai's lips before he pulls away a few centimeters.

His eyes are closed. He doesn't need to look.]

It's not so bad, is it?

[It's not anything like the messy, drunken kiss of last night. That had inspired a hundred different emotions in Odasaku, not all of them positive.

This is just... nice. It's sweet in a way he wouldn't expect from Dazai and values all the more because he doesn't expect it. It doesn't make him panic or wonder what he should do - the opposite, it settles exactly what he wants to do in his mind.

He makes a soft sound of agreement, then leans in to kiss Dazai again, just as chastely.]

[He's satisfied enough when he breaks the kiss, but if Odasaku wants more, he'll gladly give it. It warms him thoroughly and makes him feel placid to be this close to Odasaku, makes him smile into the returned kiss before settling that hand on the back of his neck rather than the side. He deserves kindness, not the bull Dazai was trying to pull last night. The drink made him bold, but it also made him honest. He had to follow through.

It won't go anywhere, or so he thinks, but he tilts his head only a little and parts his lips ever so slightly to see what happens. It's a suggestion, a question, but nothing he's moving forward with.]

[The suggestion makes Odasaku blush (even he has some reactions he can't control) and he hesitates a moment before answering the invitation just a little, lightly teasing Dazai's lips with the tip of his tongue.

It's not the first time he's kissed someone like this, certainly, but it's the first time he's kissed Dazai likes this, and if anything that makes him want to slow down and enjoy it for what it is.

One of Odasaku's hands settles on Dazai's shoulder. The other comes to rest on the small of his back.]

[That's... nice. Really nice. Odasaku is moving things along, and the hand on his back encourages Dazai all the more. He mirrors the action of his tongue, a tease, a touch, just a small gesture to let him know that it's good, and he's content. But always, always there's the unspoken statement that he's fine with just this, or fine with stopping.

Still, the hand on his back... He can take a small risk, can't he?

Dazai steps in, draping his arms around Odasaku's neck, lazily leaning in so they're closer and there's the tiniest shift in the pressure of the kiss. This is an irreverent man's action, something he likely shouldn't fall into so easily, but that he's decided to. The kiss itself is still mild, but he's making a point that he's happy, and that he'll rely on Odasaku in this, as in many affairs that have nothing to do with business.

If he wants to admit that he's fairly attached, that's fine, but he can't do it out loud. He acknowledges it in his mind, then.

This man... Nothing will change, nothing can, but for a few minutes, maybe they can be friends.]

[Dazai's happy. Dazai meets genuine happiness so rarely that they might as well be strangers. Odasaku can't tell how much of his heart fluttering is from his own enjoyment or from being pleased for Dazai's sake.

Maybe he shouldn't be able to tell. They're both happy with this, and that's the important thing.

His thumb rubs gentle circles on Dazai's back as the kiss continues, Odasaku teasing Dazai's other lip. He pulls back for a moment, only to lightly kiss Dazai's jaw instead. There's no rush.

(If he or Dazai has to go to work today, he's completely forgotten. The omelette getting cold isn't even worth considering in the first place.)]

[Forget the Port Mafia for a little while. Forget everything and everyone. Can't Odasaku just accept that Dazai is embracing him and fairly draped on him, wanting nothing but his company? They're ignoring the world together, for such a stupid reason as this, but the fact remains that they are.

And Dazai could not be happier. He tries not to make the soft, happy sound in the back of his throat, but it doesn't work at all and he feels like he's going to evaporate with Odasaku's hand on his back like that.

Then... he pulls away, and his lips are elsewhere, making Dazai curiously tip his head to expose wherever Odasaku's attentions may go. There are stupid bandages everywhere. He's an accident prone, reckless maniac with nothing to lose, ever. Odasaku makes him think he'd miss life just a little if he died.

Still, he'll tip his head and nuzzle Odasaku's neck, much as he had last night, but more gently and with less motive. He just wants to be close.]

Thanks...

Don't thank me.

[The answer is quick, though not particularly harsh. The bandages are annoying and in the way, but he doesn't feel he has the right to even ask to take them off, and anyway removing 'clothing' would be - something else. He's not quite ready to instigate that.]

I like this too. So you shouldn't thank me.

[The words are breathy, near Dazai's ear.]

[Is it so wrong that he wants to just become a strange little unit for a little while? The rest of the world really can just fuck off. He wouldn't go so far as to do anything scandalous... Unless this is scandalous, in which case bring it on. He just wants the smallest bit more, more skin and places for lips to go that aren't forbidden or unnecessary.

He nods at the delicate chastisement. It's so close to his ear that he feels like it's his entire world, and he shivers slightly.]

I'm glad I did it.

[It's not wrong at all. They might get in trouble for it - Odasaku more than Dazai - but wrong isn't the word he'd use.]

I'm glad you did too.

[He lightly kisses Dazai's earlobe, and tugs Dazai the tiniest bit closer, if it's even possible to do so.]

[No one will know. Ever. No one can, if neither says anything, and Dazai doesn't care enough about intimate matters to say a word. Odasaku won't brag or be foolish, either. This is their secret, one whole moment of something that resembles utter joy.

He'll cling if he has to, if that's what gets them closer. He can't be without this contact right now. There's no hangover so speak of, nothing holding him back but the constraints they place on themselves for the sake of sanity.

But it's Odasaku kissing things that aren't lips, and it's Dazai who shivers again and nearly flattens himself against the other man. His head is ducked almost shyly.]

I'm... happy. Really happy.

[Of course Odasaku won't brag. There's no reason to brag about it - no one would understand. They might think of getting the youngest mafia executive's attention as a prize, but it isn't that at all. It's more important than that.]

Me too.

[He's smiling when he pulls his head away, taking a second to look at Dazai, to take in this moment and save it for later, maybe for forever.]

I can't kiss you if you've got your head ducked like that.

[Dazai was so confident when this started, so in control of himself and the situation. Now he feels small and vulnerable and wouldn't mind being scooped up and carried off for a while. Odd how the world works. But Odasaku has this cool confidence right now, coupled with his usual warmth and all the things that Dazai wishes he had, too.

Odasaku wants to kiss him again. He blinks, then puts his head back up and looks into his eyes.]

Sorry.

[It's Dazai's fault, really, for helping him clear his mind and figure out what he wants. He wants to be here, doing this, and as long as Dazai wants the same thing then there's no problems, external or internal.

Don't be sorry, either, he thinks but doesn't say. Not with words, anyway - he says it with his lips on Dazai's, still gentle, still tender, only slowly deepening the kiss.

One of his hands comes to rest on Dazai's cheek, the one that isn't bandaged. The other stays on Dazai's back, keeping him steady and close.]

[Dazai will accept blame gladly. He takes and takes and refuses to give, so isn't it better if he's honest? The kisses are honest. His tight hold on Odasaku is honesty of the highest most embarrassing degree, but he doesn't care. So what if he looks... weak? He just wants to be selfishly close.

The kiss deepens, Dazai's eyes closing tightly as his lips part and he accepts anything and everything. He's not good at this, but if he can communicate the affection he feels, it's good enough. Odasaku's hand is warm on his cheek and his whole body feels like it's going to melt.

A soft, happy sound rises from deep within him. He hopes they never have to stop.]

[As though Odasaku would ever call him weak for this - he'd never even allow it to be said in his presence. If anything, he'd call him human.

Odasaku's entire body feels warm, but where he's touching Dazai feels like it might overheat. He'd melt with no regrets. (Dazai might feel the same, he thinks, and that brings a warmth of its own.)

The kiss is deeper now, and no longer quite so gentle. It's not rough - he's not that kind of person and certainly not with Dazai, who... maybe 'he deserves better' isn't the right turn of phrase, but Odasaku wants to treasure this, treasure him. It's just more intense as time passes.]

For ninjou.

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