crowspace | For ninjou.

[Dazai will accept blame gladly. He takes and takes and refuses to give, so isn't it better if he's honest? The kisses are honest. His tight hold on Odasaku is honesty of the highest most embarrassing degree, but he doesn't care. So what if he looks... weak? He just wants to be selfishly close.

The kiss deepens, Dazai's eyes closing tightly as his lips part and he accepts anything and everything. He's not good at this, but if he can communicate the affection he feels, it's good enough. Odasaku's hand is warm on his cheek and his whole body feels like it's going to melt.

A soft, happy sound rises from deep within him. He hopes they never have to stop.]

[As though Odasaku would ever call him weak for this - he'd never even allow it to be said in his presence. If anything, he'd call him human.

Odasaku's entire body feels warm, but where he's touching Dazai feels like it might overheat. He'd melt with no regrets. (Dazai might feel the same, he thinks, and that brings a warmth of its own.)

The kiss is deeper now, and no longer quite so gentle. It's not rough - he's not that kind of person and certainly not with Dazai, who... maybe 'he deserves better' isn't the right turn of phrase, but Odasaku wants to treasure this, treasure him. It's just more intense as time passes.]

[It's about then that the dam breaks for Dazai, so to speak. He's not rough, either, but he's as coldly aggressive as usual... slowly, slowly it's warming as he slides his hands to Odasaku's cheeks as well. He'll do whatever he has to to keep this going forever. Alright, not forever, but until the other man is sick of it. Dazai wants to get lost in this world forever.

He doesn't want to be human. He just wants to exist in whatever place Odasaku is. This is no simple kiss. It's an expression of something Dazai isn't emotionally capable of painting in words. It's sorrow and joy and jealousy and pride and affection.]

[He's not sick of it just yet. Dazai being aggressive suits him better, and Odasaku will let him pursue as far as he wants to go, his lips parted and inviting.

(Part of him wonders if they'll ever do this again, once they're done for today, and that part is squashed as being a worry for later.)

If he could put all his affection into one kiss, all his happiness, he would. It's much easier than putting it into words, even for someone so speaks as plainly as Odasaku.]

[In this, Dazai feels alive, and it shows. He tilts his head and lets his tongue touch and lightly explore Odasaku's. It's so foolish, but he's so happy. He wonders if this is even supposed to be possible for him. It's unlikely that it will happen again, because how often are they alone like this? He feels right now like he'd kill the world to protect Odasaku.

Sentimentality is bad. He doesn't care, though.

He gets lightheaded and breaks the kiss with a short distance between them so he can let his body catch up with his mind.

When he speaks, he sounds small and almost needy. Subservient, in a way.]

Odasaku...

[It's such a strange tone of voice from Dazai, always in the one in charge, in control. Being the one to put Dazai in such a state is something that Odasaku doesn't know how to describe - it gives him a feeling he'd associate with being panicked, his heartbeat speeding up without reason, but it's in a pleasant way.]

Dazai.

[That's murmured in Dazai's ear again, since he seemed to like it the first time. Odasaku's voice is strained around the edges.]

[He's fairly gone now. Even if it's making Odasaku uncomfortable or excited or both or neither, he's happy and he wishes he could yell and not cause a problem. Not that it ever stopped him when he was younger and less cold, less refined. Now, something stops him from expressing anything but the lightest reactions aloud.

His heart is beating too hard in his ears and he feels like breathing is optional and pointless, despite the gasp he offers at that soft gift of his name. He shivers again, laughing quietly, almost nervously as he tips his head and invites more of that, or really more of anything.]

Don't stop yet.

I don't want to stop.

[Kisses are laid behind Dazai's ear, down to his jaw. There's more he'd like to do, but - the bandages.

There's a boundary there, beyond just the problem of them being in the way. Taking something off is just different than just standing here and making out, although he'd quite happily do that for another hour.

But Dazai wants him to continue, so...

He rests a thumb on the base of Dazai's neck, the bandages separating his hand from sensitive skin.]

Can I?

[Every logical part of Dazai starts screaming at this question. The touches and kisses are heavenly, but the saner part of him says that this is bad, dangerous, that Odasaku doesn't need to see the scars and marks and wounds. He doesn't need to see bruises. Still, somehow Dazai finds himself saying yes aloud before he can process those thoughts. Maybe Odasaku has more bandages. Maybe he can go buy some. Dazai... just stops caring. Nothing exists in this world other than the attention he craves from Odasaku. Nothing.

His visible eye is narrowed, his pupil dilated, a sure sign that he's lost. His hands even shake a little before he helpfully unbuttons enough of his shirt to get down to exposed chest.]

[Odasaku already knows that there has to be something worth covering up. If possible, he'd like to avoid uncovering most of it - not because he'll be shocked or horrified, but for Dazai's sake.

So when Dazai unbuttons past the point where bandages become uncovered skin, Odasaku just skips past the coverings instead. He leaves kisses over the skin he's never seen before now - even if there's a scar or a mark there, it doesn't matter to him.

...Though speaking of marks, it's probably best that they skipped the neck area entirely, because some of this suction would probably have left a hickey on more sensitive skin. He isn't sorry.]

[He wouldn't mind a mark... he wouldn't even mind several. No one sees what's under those bandages and no one should care. He's an adult, an executive, and as long as he exercises discretion, he'll be above reproach.

It's shocking, however, when Odasaku bends just enough, moves so that he can put lips on Dazai's chest. It's marked with scars, too, but going beneath the shirt, he feels less need to cover so much. He's so very glad that was hos decision. He could die after this and be the happiest man in history. His head is swimming a bit and his heart is racing and his mind is going inappropriate places, but he has a little bit of Odasaku right now, all of his attention and...

And his breath hitches and he lets out a very, very telling sound.]

[It's a good sound. Dazai can no doubt feel Odasaku's smile against his skin.

He could just stay like this for a while, leaving kisses and love bites on Dazai's chest, and he wants to be patient - even though he's getting too excited himself and it's noticeable if Dazai looks the right way, he doesn't do anything to address it. You'd think he was the teenager here.

He lets Dazai's shirt stay on him, more or less, but pushes it up so he can trail his mouth over Dazai's stomach, once dipping his tongue in Dazai's belly button. (He might laugh. It might do a little to ease the tension, but not much.)]

[They should stop. This should stop. Dazai had his fun and there's breakfast to be had and Odasaku has to be that same good, slightly distant person Dazai will never understand. It... can't change.

It does. It changes when Dazai flinches at the touch to his navel, when he starts and he curls his hands into fists before relaxing them and settling one in Odasaku's hair. There's no reason for it. He's baring himself and he shouldn't, Odasaku is humoring him, and he shouldn't. His thoughts are damnably wild and Odasaku will figure that out sooner or later.

He doesn't like men.

The bites to his chest were enough to make his breath heavy, and the kisses brought a white-heat electricity through him that he's trying so hard to deny and failing. Who cares which one of them is getting carried away?

He doesn't like men. He just... likes this one.

The tension doesn't ease. Dazai's whole body feels wound as tightly as it can possibly be.]

[It's impossible to miss how tense Dazai's body is, that flinch, the way he's making himself try to relax and failing.

And that's no good. It makes Odasaku stop where he is, though he doesn't attempt to straighten out - merely looks up at Dazai.

Even though his own cheeks are flushed and his voice is rough-]

We can stop if you don't want to do this.

[-he would never ever ever push it. If Dazai's not willing and comfortable, then this is where it ends.

He might have to go to the bathroom to deal with things, but that's not something he even considers a sacrifice.]

[Dazai seems to release all the tension at once, stepping back and away from Odasaku, tripping and falling on his butt so very gracefully. His cheeks are red and he's arranging his shirt as calmly as he can while completely ignoring the fact that he fell.

It's too much. That look on Odasaku's face makes him feel too much and want too much and he has to stop. He never wanted to go that far... not sober, at least. He lacks the courage and gains logic when he's rested.

Dazai doesn't bother getting up, just finishes untucking his shirt and buttons it up and fusses with his bandages. He feels like a child, like a novice.]

I'm sorry. [And he sounds so, so small.]

It's alright.

[The fact that Dazai asked him to stop is alright. The reasons why, the fact that feelings are involved and they make everything worse - maybe that's less fine, but there's nothing anyone can do about it.

He straightens up and tried not to acknowledge anything like still being turned on. It'll go away or he'll slip away and deal with it, it's fine.]

...you might want to reheat breakfast.

It's...

[God, why is his face red and his everything feels wound up too tight? He's not supposed to be easily embarrassed! All Odasaku did was...

Dazai looks at him a bit wildly, trying to straighten himself out before flopping on the floor properly and presenting an obvious... issue. He doesn't think about it.]

I don't know what to say. I feel like I should say something.

[He trusts Odasaku enough to admit to this weakness. That's more transparent than he'd be with anyone else.]

I don't know either.

[They both have issues and they're not going to acknowledge them, because acknowledging things has only made matters more awkward. It's put them in this situation.]

You don't have to say anything. We can stay the way we are.

[That's what they wanted, right? For things not to change.]

You know...

[He is Dazai the man, not Dazai the Executive, so he can say stupid things and get away with it, right? This is horrible and awkward and it's Dazai's fault for letting it go that far. He can't put his only real... friend-like person into such a compromising position. It's not okay. It's wrong and he's sorry. All his damn fault.]

It's not like I wouldn't do it! [Fuck did he say that out loud god why fuck why] I don't want to change things. I need... [you.] ...someone to laugh with and drink with and be completely jealous of for the rest of my hopefully short life.

We would still do all that.

[Even though Odasaku still doesn't think that there's much to be jealous of, he doesn't want to contest that right now.]

It would take more than you kissing me to get rid of me. I like you, Dazai.

[He said it before this whole kissing thing started, and he'll say it again.

He sits on the floor next to Dazai, because looking down at him feels... weird. Imbalanced.]

Is it really okay? That I kissed you, I mean. I didn't want to cause a problem.

[He feels absolutely small still, a child again in his timid thoughts, unable to be wholly bold over this. He should have been happy with last night.]

I like you, too. I like having you around, anyway. You're weird...

[Dazai sits up.]

[last night's kiss kind of sucked though]

It's really okay. I enjoyed it.

[He enjoyed being close to Dazai, giving Dazai those heady feelings and receiving them in return. He doesn't think he'd have liked it so much with anyone else.

That seems like a thing he shouldn't give voice to.]

[Last night was a terrible idea and Dazai is just not as sorry about it because at least he can excuse that by the drunkenness. This one he brought on himself. All of it. All of it.

He contemplates every possible path and option and outcome. They all sound horrible and they all mean things have changed. Shit.]

I've wanted to kiss you for a while. You had no idea, right?

Not really.

[He's not very perceptive, at least when it comes to things like this. He'd need to be told point blank that someone wanted to kiss him, or had it demonstrated for him like Dazai had so kindly done.]

And you didn't look at me that way at all, so this was a shock... we went over the top.

[He smiles and settles a hand on Odasaku's shoulder.]

You're good, though. I really liked it. I'm surprised, too... you don't seem like you'd date a lot.

For ninjou.

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