crowspace | For ninjou.

[Forget the Port Mafia for a little while. Forget everything and everyone. Can't Odasaku just accept that Dazai is embracing him and fairly draped on him, wanting nothing but his company? They're ignoring the world together, for such a stupid reason as this, but the fact remains that they are.

And Dazai could not be happier. He tries not to make the soft, happy sound in the back of his throat, but it doesn't work at all and he feels like he's going to evaporate with Odasaku's hand on his back like that.

Then... he pulls away, and his lips are elsewhere, making Dazai curiously tip his head to expose wherever Odasaku's attentions may go. There are stupid bandages everywhere. He's an accident prone, reckless maniac with nothing to lose, ever. Odasaku makes him think he'd miss life just a little if he died.

Still, he'll tip his head and nuzzle Odasaku's neck, much as he had last night, but more gently and with less motive. He just wants to be close.]

Thanks...

Don't thank me.

[The answer is quick, though not particularly harsh. The bandages are annoying and in the way, but he doesn't feel he has the right to even ask to take them off, and anyway removing 'clothing' would be - something else. He's not quite ready to instigate that.]

I like this too. So you shouldn't thank me.

[The words are breathy, near Dazai's ear.]

[Is it so wrong that he wants to just become a strange little unit for a little while? The rest of the world really can just fuck off. He wouldn't go so far as to do anything scandalous... Unless this is scandalous, in which case bring it on. He just wants the smallest bit more, more skin and places for lips to go that aren't forbidden or unnecessary.

He nods at the delicate chastisement. It's so close to his ear that he feels like it's his entire world, and he shivers slightly.]

I'm glad I did it.

[It's not wrong at all. They might get in trouble for it - Odasaku more than Dazai - but wrong isn't the word he'd use.]

I'm glad you did too.

[He lightly kisses Dazai's earlobe, and tugs Dazai the tiniest bit closer, if it's even possible to do so.]

[No one will know. Ever. No one can, if neither says anything, and Dazai doesn't care enough about intimate matters to say a word. Odasaku won't brag or be foolish, either. This is their secret, one whole moment of something that resembles utter joy.

He'll cling if he has to, if that's what gets them closer. He can't be without this contact right now. There's no hangover so speak of, nothing holding him back but the constraints they place on themselves for the sake of sanity.

But it's Odasaku kissing things that aren't lips, and it's Dazai who shivers again and nearly flattens himself against the other man. His head is ducked almost shyly.]

I'm... happy. Really happy.

[Of course Odasaku won't brag. There's no reason to brag about it - no one would understand. They might think of getting the youngest mafia executive's attention as a prize, but it isn't that at all. It's more important than that.]

Me too.

[He's smiling when he pulls his head away, taking a second to look at Dazai, to take in this moment and save it for later, maybe for forever.]

I can't kiss you if you've got your head ducked like that.

[Dazai was so confident when this started, so in control of himself and the situation. Now he feels small and vulnerable and wouldn't mind being scooped up and carried off for a while. Odd how the world works. But Odasaku has this cool confidence right now, coupled with his usual warmth and all the things that Dazai wishes he had, too.

Odasaku wants to kiss him again. He blinks, then puts his head back up and looks into his eyes.]

Sorry.

[It's Dazai's fault, really, for helping him clear his mind and figure out what he wants. He wants to be here, doing this, and as long as Dazai wants the same thing then there's no problems, external or internal.

Don't be sorry, either, he thinks but doesn't say. Not with words, anyway - he says it with his lips on Dazai's, still gentle, still tender, only slowly deepening the kiss.

One of his hands comes to rest on Dazai's cheek, the one that isn't bandaged. The other stays on Dazai's back, keeping him steady and close.]

[Dazai will accept blame gladly. He takes and takes and refuses to give, so isn't it better if he's honest? The kisses are honest. His tight hold on Odasaku is honesty of the highest most embarrassing degree, but he doesn't care. So what if he looks... weak? He just wants to be selfishly close.

The kiss deepens, Dazai's eyes closing tightly as his lips part and he accepts anything and everything. He's not good at this, but if he can communicate the affection he feels, it's good enough. Odasaku's hand is warm on his cheek and his whole body feels like it's going to melt.

A soft, happy sound rises from deep within him. He hopes they never have to stop.]

[As though Odasaku would ever call him weak for this - he'd never even allow it to be said in his presence. If anything, he'd call him human.

Odasaku's entire body feels warm, but where he's touching Dazai feels like it might overheat. He'd melt with no regrets. (Dazai might feel the same, he thinks, and that brings a warmth of its own.)

The kiss is deeper now, and no longer quite so gentle. It's not rough - he's not that kind of person and certainly not with Dazai, who... maybe 'he deserves better' isn't the right turn of phrase, but Odasaku wants to treasure this, treasure him. It's just more intense as time passes.]

[It's about then that the dam breaks for Dazai, so to speak. He's not rough, either, but he's as coldly aggressive as usual... slowly, slowly it's warming as he slides his hands to Odasaku's cheeks as well. He'll do whatever he has to to keep this going forever. Alright, not forever, but until the other man is sick of it. Dazai wants to get lost in this world forever.

He doesn't want to be human. He just wants to exist in whatever place Odasaku is. This is no simple kiss. It's an expression of something Dazai isn't emotionally capable of painting in words. It's sorrow and joy and jealousy and pride and affection.]

[He's not sick of it just yet. Dazai being aggressive suits him better, and Odasaku will let him pursue as far as he wants to go, his lips parted and inviting.

(Part of him wonders if they'll ever do this again, once they're done for today, and that part is squashed as being a worry for later.)

If he could put all his affection into one kiss, all his happiness, he would. It's much easier than putting it into words, even for someone so speaks as plainly as Odasaku.]

[In this, Dazai feels alive, and it shows. He tilts his head and lets his tongue touch and lightly explore Odasaku's. It's so foolish, but he's so happy. He wonders if this is even supposed to be possible for him. It's unlikely that it will happen again, because how often are they alone like this? He feels right now like he'd kill the world to protect Odasaku.

Sentimentality is bad. He doesn't care, though.

He gets lightheaded and breaks the kiss with a short distance between them so he can let his body catch up with his mind.

When he speaks, he sounds small and almost needy. Subservient, in a way.]

Odasaku...

[It's such a strange tone of voice from Dazai, always in the one in charge, in control. Being the one to put Dazai in such a state is something that Odasaku doesn't know how to describe - it gives him a feeling he'd associate with being panicked, his heartbeat speeding up without reason, but it's in a pleasant way.]

Dazai.

[That's murmured in Dazai's ear again, since he seemed to like it the first time. Odasaku's voice is strained around the edges.]

[He's fairly gone now. Even if it's making Odasaku uncomfortable or excited or both or neither, he's happy and he wishes he could yell and not cause a problem. Not that it ever stopped him when he was younger and less cold, less refined. Now, something stops him from expressing anything but the lightest reactions aloud.

His heart is beating too hard in his ears and he feels like breathing is optional and pointless, despite the gasp he offers at that soft gift of his name. He shivers again, laughing quietly, almost nervously as he tips his head and invites more of that, or really more of anything.]

Don't stop yet.

I don't want to stop.

[Kisses are laid behind Dazai's ear, down to his jaw. There's more he'd like to do, but - the bandages.

There's a boundary there, beyond just the problem of them being in the way. Taking something off is just different than just standing here and making out, although he'd quite happily do that for another hour.

But Dazai wants him to continue, so...

He rests a thumb on the base of Dazai's neck, the bandages separating his hand from sensitive skin.]

Can I?

[Every logical part of Dazai starts screaming at this question. The touches and kisses are heavenly, but the saner part of him says that this is bad, dangerous, that Odasaku doesn't need to see the scars and marks and wounds. He doesn't need to see bruises. Still, somehow Dazai finds himself saying yes aloud before he can process those thoughts. Maybe Odasaku has more bandages. Maybe he can go buy some. Dazai... just stops caring. Nothing exists in this world other than the attention he craves from Odasaku. Nothing.

His visible eye is narrowed, his pupil dilated, a sure sign that he's lost. His hands even shake a little before he helpfully unbuttons enough of his shirt to get down to exposed chest.]

[Odasaku already knows that there has to be something worth covering up. If possible, he'd like to avoid uncovering most of it - not because he'll be shocked or horrified, but for Dazai's sake.

So when Dazai unbuttons past the point where bandages become uncovered skin, Odasaku just skips past the coverings instead. He leaves kisses over the skin he's never seen before now - even if there's a scar or a mark there, it doesn't matter to him.

...Though speaking of marks, it's probably best that they skipped the neck area entirely, because some of this suction would probably have left a hickey on more sensitive skin. He isn't sorry.]

[He wouldn't mind a mark... he wouldn't even mind several. No one sees what's under those bandages and no one should care. He's an adult, an executive, and as long as he exercises discretion, he'll be above reproach.

It's shocking, however, when Odasaku bends just enough, moves so that he can put lips on Dazai's chest. It's marked with scars, too, but going beneath the shirt, he feels less need to cover so much. He's so very glad that was hos decision. He could die after this and be the happiest man in history. His head is swimming a bit and his heart is racing and his mind is going inappropriate places, but he has a little bit of Odasaku right now, all of his attention and...

And his breath hitches and he lets out a very, very telling sound.]

[It's a good sound. Dazai can no doubt feel Odasaku's smile against his skin.

He could just stay like this for a while, leaving kisses and love bites on Dazai's chest, and he wants to be patient - even though he's getting too excited himself and it's noticeable if Dazai looks the right way, he doesn't do anything to address it. You'd think he was the teenager here.

He lets Dazai's shirt stay on him, more or less, but pushes it up so he can trail his mouth over Dazai's stomach, once dipping his tongue in Dazai's belly button. (He might laugh. It might do a little to ease the tension, but not much.)]

[They should stop. This should stop. Dazai had his fun and there's breakfast to be had and Odasaku has to be that same good, slightly distant person Dazai will never understand. It... can't change.

It does. It changes when Dazai flinches at the touch to his navel, when he starts and he curls his hands into fists before relaxing them and settling one in Odasaku's hair. There's no reason for it. He's baring himself and he shouldn't, Odasaku is humoring him, and he shouldn't. His thoughts are damnably wild and Odasaku will figure that out sooner or later.

He doesn't like men.

The bites to his chest were enough to make his breath heavy, and the kisses brought a white-heat electricity through him that he's trying so hard to deny and failing. Who cares which one of them is getting carried away?

He doesn't like men. He just... likes this one.

The tension doesn't ease. Dazai's whole body feels wound as tightly as it can possibly be.]

[It's impossible to miss how tense Dazai's body is, that flinch, the way he's making himself try to relax and failing.

And that's no good. It makes Odasaku stop where he is, though he doesn't attempt to straighten out - merely looks up at Dazai.

Even though his own cheeks are flushed and his voice is rough-]

We can stop if you don't want to do this.

[-he would never ever ever push it. If Dazai's not willing and comfortable, then this is where it ends.

He might have to go to the bathroom to deal with things, but that's not something he even considers a sacrifice.]

[Dazai seems to release all the tension at once, stepping back and away from Odasaku, tripping and falling on his butt so very gracefully. His cheeks are red and he's arranging his shirt as calmly as he can while completely ignoring the fact that he fell.

It's too much. That look on Odasaku's face makes him feel too much and want too much and he has to stop. He never wanted to go that far... not sober, at least. He lacks the courage and gains logic when he's rested.

Dazai doesn't bother getting up, just finishes untucking his shirt and buttons it up and fusses with his bandages. He feels like a child, like a novice.]

I'm sorry. [And he sounds so, so small.]

It's alright.

[The fact that Dazai asked him to stop is alright. The reasons why, the fact that feelings are involved and they make everything worse - maybe that's less fine, but there's nothing anyone can do about it.

He straightens up and tried not to acknowledge anything like still being turned on. It'll go away or he'll slip away and deal with it, it's fine.]

...you might want to reheat breakfast.

It's...

[God, why is his face red and his everything feels wound up too tight? He's not supposed to be easily embarrassed! All Odasaku did was...

Dazai looks at him a bit wildly, trying to straighten himself out before flopping on the floor properly and presenting an obvious... issue. He doesn't think about it.]

I don't know what to say. I feel like I should say something.

[He trusts Odasaku enough to admit to this weakness. That's more transparent than he'd be with anyone else.]

For ninjou.

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