For ninjou, yandazai~

[tenimuho]

[Someone who knows Odasaku as well as Dazai does surely noticed from the moment that Odasaku entered the bar, but he's in a surprisingly good mood tonight. He's humming a little, his steps are lighter, and there's even the hint of a genuine smile on his face as he sits down.

Ango's not here tonight, so it's just the two of them and the bartender.

Inquire as to what's made him so pleased?]

Comments

[tenimuho]

I think that's normal.

[But it's a bit of a strange question in this context. Dazai is unsatisfied with his answer of 'we're friends'. Dazai is trying his best to be what he wants to be-

Oh. Oh. Um.]

You want to be more than friends?

[Give the man a participation prize for getting it incredibly late.]

[ninjou]

[At least he got there.

Dazai moves to leans on the desk, trying to stay as casual as possible. He really didn't expect the direct question.]

I do. But you're not interested, right?

[tenimuho]

[Odasaku tries to be direct, but even he knows that his answer to this should be a bit more delicate.]

...Your friendship is important to me, but I don't want a romantic relationship with you.

[ninjou]

[Dazai smiles. It's thin, worn a bit, and unsurprised.]

Why?

[tenimuho]

...It's a bad idea.

[There are many reasons why not, but that's the first to come to mind, and also probably the least objectionable.]

I could die any day, and so could you. It wouldn't be good for us to start something and then suddenly one of us is gone.

[ninjou]

Why do you see it that way? I mean... every day is the same, here, another body, another piece of work... We can take something nice out of it, right?

[Save him, he's pushing. He knows he should leave this be and let Odasaku go... accept this. But he wants him so very badly...]

[tenimuho]

If one of us was gone after we started something like that, it would be much worse.

[Odasaku is content with the way things are. He's sure it isn't the same for Dazai, but he doesn't want to hurt him, either.]

[ninjou]

No.

[Firmly, though he smiles a poisonous smile.]

No, it's not like that at all. Odasaku, you know I don't compromise... If something happened to you, you know, I'd definitely go completely insane either way. Nothing is different.

[tenimuho]

Just for me?

[Surprise surprise, Odasaku doesn't think he's important enough for that.]

[ninjou]

[Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. That was too much, wasn't it? Dazai smiles, keeps smiling, doesn't let it falter, and shrugs.]

Are you really surprised?

[tenimuho]

Yes.

[Dazai should know him well enough by now.]

[ninjou]

[Dazai laughs, an ugly, mirthful sound, and looks at Odasaku like he's a bit wonky, like maybe he's grown an extra arm.]

Is it wrong for me to care about you? Ah, wait, don't answer that in your usual, self-deprecating way. I don't want to hear it. I don't think you understand me at all, then, and that's a shame.

[tenimuho]

...I can't answer that in any other way, Dazai.

[Then, it's surely true that he doesn't understand Dazai even a bit.]

[ninjou]

Are you thinking something stupid like you don't deserve me? Or do you not want me?

[Why is his volume dropping? That's surely a dangerous sign from Dazai...]

[tenimuho]

I want you as a friend. The way we are.

[He doesn't want to lose what they already have.]

[ninjou]

Even if I asked, you're saying you wouldn't consider anything else, right?

[It's not enough.]

[tenimuho]

If you asked me to stop being friends with you, I would. I'd be upset about it, but you can't make someone your friend who doesn't want to be.

[The same applies for romance.]

[ninjou]

Then...

[He looks conflicted, and falls quiet. It's a long, thoughtful silence, then he moves closer to Odasaku.]

So even if I say something like "I care about you as more than a friend"...?

[tenimuho]

...Even if you say that, I don't know if I can return those feelings.

[He barely allows himself this friendship.]

[ninjou]

It's probably better if we never see each other again, then.

[Dazai's version of hysterics. He's calm, cold, every word a blunt trauma.]

[tenimuho]

[Odasaku inhales. Exhales like he's trying to push out every feeling of friendship with the breath.]

Alright.

[ninjou]

[That...]

I'm that easy to get rid of?

[tenimuho]

I respect your decisions. If you want to leave, you can leave.

[ninjou]

Leave?

[He sounds like ice. Glacial.]

Leave? You're the one rejecting me, Odasaku.

[tenimuho]

[He is. That's true.]

That doesn't mean we couldn't still be friends.