crowspace | For ninjou, yandazai~

[Oda may regret this. But it's his choice to regret.

True to his word, he doesn't tell anyone about that conversation, not even Ango. He doesn't try to talk to Dazai again for a long while.

(Eventually Ango comments that he hasn't seen Odasaku at the bar they always go to for some time.)]

[It tears Dazai apart. It makes his mind go places only mad people go, to hellish depths. His self-destructive tendencies become the talk of the Port Mafia more loudly than ever, and he eventually works himself into a state of exhaustion. He tries to medicate himself out of it, delving into things the rest of the mafia won't touch, until the day he locks himself into his office a little before his usual lunch time and doesn't emerge for two full days. Rumors fly, but no one knows what got into him.]

[Oda knows what got into him, but of course he can't tell anyone. Won't tell anyone. That Dazai had a feeling - that those feelings are what's causing him to implode like this - is something the rest of the mafia doesn't need to know about the 'demon prodigy'.

Even if he can't say anything, he also can't just ignore what's happening when he knows the cause, when it seems like Dazai's only getting worse and worse and no one else but Oda could possibly pull him out of this spiral.

On the afternoon of day two, Odasaku knocks on Dazai's door, and then because he expects it to not even be acknowledged-]

Dazai, it's me.

[There's a loud clatter from inside, like something being dropped, then another slam or two as Dazai shuffles things off his desk and into drawers. He has his shit together. Really. He doesn't know how terrible he looks because the mirror on the wall has been taken down, but he combs his hair back with his hands and runs his palms over his face before he goes to the door, looking like he hasn't slept in ages.

Slowly, the door opens, and Dazai peeks out with one bloodshot, dark-rimmed eye and one bandaged one. Yep. It's Oda.

He darts a hand out and grips Odasaku's shirt, dragging him inside, kicking the door shut behind him before shoving the older man against the wall and shaking him.]

This doesn't look much like leaving me alone.

[Oda's pretty sure Dazai shoved him against that wall hard enough to bruise. He's also pretty sure a bruise is the least of his concerns right now.

Despite that, he doesn't make any attempt to escape Dazai's hold. And Dazai knows well that Oda could get away if he wanted to.]

You said to leave you alone for a while, it's been a while. And I'm worried.

[Dazai scowls, fumbling with one hand beneath his jacket for something that isn't ultimately there. He grits his teeth and shoots a look at the desk, where his gun sits, propped up strangely on some books. Turning his attention back to Odasaku, he shakes the man violently.]

You ruined everything. Don't pretend to care about me now.

[Oda catches the look at his gun, realizes that Dazai might well have shot him if he didn't have his gun on his desk, doesn't feel too upset about that. He feels more upset about what Dazai says to him.]

I'm not pretending. I just can't care about you in the way you want.

It wouldn't be hard for you to care. You're just being selfish.

[He speaks through gritted teeth, glaring at the man before him. How dare Odasaku do this? The feelings are stirring and he loathes them. Why must he ache when he looks into those eyes? Why must he feel weak and alone? He bites at his lower lip for a moment as he stares ahead, eventually letting his hands drop to his sides.]

You damn jerk...

I'm sorry.

[He knows his feelings - but he knows how Dazai's are hurting him, and he never wanted to hurt him or make him feel alone.

In probably the stupidest thing Oda has ever done, he attempts to hug Dazai.]

[Yep, that was stupid. It's also effective, and disarms Dazai enough that he just gapes a bit instead of speaking. The silence is oppressive, but he moves, putting his arms slowly around Odasaku before pressing him back against the door again. He wants what he can't have, and he's miserable without it. The way he slides in and settles his body fully against Odasaku's is more than a hint at that.]

[Stupid and effective are not mutually exclusive.

With his back against the door and Dazai on his front, Oda is trapped - but he doesn't want to be anywhere else right now. He holds onto Dazai a little tighter, murmuring 'I'm sorry' again.

He knows what Dazai wants. He isn't that dense.]

[Dazai is a willful idiot, and he knows, somewhere in the part of his brain that isn't sleep deprived and useless, that he should accept the apology and send Odasaku off. Maybe go ahead and kill himself, too, because it seems like the best course. It'll hurt less. Instead, he turns his head so that he has his lips near Oda's throat. He murmurs something that sounds like "me too" before he parts his lips and presses a kiss to the man's neck, just to the side of his adam's apple.]

[Oda should say something. He knows he can't - or won't - give Dazai what he really wants, and he should stop this before it goes anywhere.

He doesn't. A soft sigh escapes his lips, and he rests one of his hands in Dazai's hair, on the back of his head.]

[Dazai willfully misreads that as acceptance, and he presses more kisses to Osasaku's neck, desperate and hungry, before parting his lips, baring his teeth, and chancing a bite. Not a hard one. Not yet. But this makes him feel like a human being for once. When was the last time he could claim such a thing?]

[There will be consequences for this. Oda knows that. But here and now, Dazai looks more alive than he has in a long time, longer than just his recent bout of despair. And Oda can't bear to take that from him.]

Dazai.

[Oda's voice is rough. He tilts his neck to give Dazai more room to work.]

Is this okay?

[Wouldn't a desk or something be easier...?]

It's fine.

[He murmurs it against Odasaku's skin, breathing softly there and wishing he could melt against him and stop this hideous longing he's swallowed and bit back and tried to deny. Curved fingers move up to rest on the other side of Odasaku's neck as Dazai continues up, kisses feather light and softer than a whisper. He makes his way up to the man's jaw, then his earlobe, where he bites and gently tugs.]

When are you going to stop me?

I don't know.

[He hasn't thought this entirely through. If he had planned it, he might not have accounted for the way Dazai's kisses make him shiver or how unexpectedly nice having his ear bitten might feel.]

Probably never.

[He threads his fingers through Dazai's hair, gently massaging his scalp.]

If you don't stop me, I won't stop.

[But the thought suddenly scares Dazai a little. The thought of wanting Odasaku so badly, wanting his mind and heart and body so badly that he's gone to arguably insane lengths... There's a hand in his hair, and his idol, his beacon is touching him in a sweet, intimate way. This isn't real. He's dreaming, isn't he?

Dazai laughs as he tugs at Odasaku's earlobe again, then begins to unbutton the man's shirt.]

I don't think I can.

I won't ask you for anything you can't do.

[What good would that do? Dazai is who he is, and right now he needs this. And Oda needs Dazai to find some measure of happiness, even if just for right now.

Oda drops his hands to make it easier, when Dazai's finished unbuttoning his shirt, to pull it off himself.]

[In his heart, Dazai is a little apologetic, but his hands move faster at that affirmation, and he's pushing Odasaku's shirt off and tossing it toward the desk in a desperate fashion. Rather than even give himself a moment to take in the sight of him, Dazai bends his head down and presses a kiss, reverent and firm, right over Odasaku's heart. And of course Dazai knows where the heart is... how many bullets has he put directly through one?]

[Oda knows where his heart is for the exact same reason. The gesture is surprisingly tender and leaves Oda at a loss for words.

Except one.]

Dazai...

[He bends to press a kiss to the top of Dazai's head.]

[He settles his hands at Odasaku's hips, fingers pressing almost too hard against his skin, and he glances up at him.]

I know you'll never love me. I know that. It's driving me insane because I know that. Everything I did, I did to keep you safe.

[He kisses him again in the same place, eyes falling closed, the kiss lingering.]

You saved me, a long time ago, as much as I can possibly be saved. I want to give that back to you.

['You already have', Oda wants to say. But Dazai wouldn't accept that his friendship was enough. Neither can he say 'I never wanted all this', because it's already done and he doesn't want Dazai to feel worse. And 'I didn't do anything special' isn't something even Oda would try.]

...Then don't leave. If you want to give that back, then stay with me.

[Don't shut yourself away again, and don't die.]

...

[He doesn't have much he can say to that, does he? He has no real way to say he wasn't going to try to die, as that would be a lie greater than any he's ever told, and more blatant. It saps some of the drive from him to hear those words, and he knows he shouldn't have turned things down this path.

Dazai's hands run up Odasaku's chest, and he breathes before leaning in to kiss him, chaste and soft.]

[And already Oda's asked something of Dazai he can't give. Good job, Oda.

The kiss is gentle, almost sweet. Oda returns it just as softly, holding Dazai close to him.]

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ninjou - 2018-03-24 22:58 (UTC) - Expand

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