For ninjou, yandazai~

[tenimuho]

[Someone who knows Odasaku as well as Dazai does surely noticed from the moment that Odasaku entered the bar, but he's in a surprisingly good mood tonight. He's humming a little, his steps are lighter, and there's even the hint of a genuine smile on his face as he sits down.

Ango's not here tonight, so it's just the two of them and the bartender.

Inquire as to what's made him so pleased?]

Comments

[tenimuho]

You'd end up feeling worse. And so would I.

[ninjou]

I wouldn't.

[He leans in suddenly, trying for a kiss.]

[tenimuho]

[Dazai's lips meet the palm of Oda's hand instead, held up between them.]

I said no, Dazai.

[ninjou]

[He pushes the hand down.]

You're serious.

[tenimuho]

I've been serious the whole time.

[Dazai isn't changing his mind, discussion over, kissing attempts over.]

[ninjou]

It doesn't make sense. You know that.

[His eyes cast away though, and he steps back.]

Never mind. Just... go. And don't tell anyone about this, or I will kill you.

[tenimuho]

I won't tell anyone.

[Dazai's private business is his business, and even if anyone would believe him, Oda wouldn't say a word.

Who would he even tell? He hardly knows anyone besides Ango and his kids, and both of those are obviously bad ideas.]

[ninjou]

[Dazai moved for he door, pointedly unlocking it and opening it for Odasaku to leave. He looked anywhere but at the other man. He couldn't let the hurt in his eyes be seen, after all.]

And don't... bother trying to talk to me for a while.

[tenimuho]

[Odasaku gets the hint. He heads toward the door.]

I won't. - Take care, Dazai.

[He's hurt Dazai, and he knows that, but he does still care about him. Just not the way Dazai needs him to.]

[ninjou]

[All Dazai wants is Odasaku. Fuck the rest of this. All of it. He couldn't possibly care less. All he wants is this man's devotion and a chance to be part of his life as something more than a basic damn friend. But he isn't allowed to be happy, clearly.

He waits for Odasaku to leave, then grabs the door and looks out after him.]

You'll regret this.

[And he steps back, slamming the door shut in his wake.]

[tenimuho]

[Oda may regret this. But it's his choice to regret.

True to his word, he doesn't tell anyone about that conversation, not even Ango. He doesn't try to talk to Dazai again for a long while.

(Eventually Ango comments that he hasn't seen Odasaku at the bar they always go to for some time.)]

[ninjou]

[It tears Dazai apart. It makes his mind go places only mad people go, to hellish depths. His self-destructive tendencies become the talk of the Port Mafia more loudly than ever, and he eventually works himself into a state of exhaustion. He tries to medicate himself out of it, delving into things the rest of the mafia won't touch, until the day he locks himself into his office a little before his usual lunch time and doesn't emerge for two full days. Rumors fly, but no one knows what got into him.]

[tenimuho]

[Oda knows what got into him, but of course he can't tell anyone. Won't tell anyone. That Dazai had a feeling - that those feelings are what's causing him to implode like this - is something the rest of the mafia doesn't need to know about the 'demon prodigy'.

Even if he can't say anything, he also can't just ignore what's happening when he knows the cause, when it seems like Dazai's only getting worse and worse and no one else but Oda could possibly pull him out of this spiral.

On the afternoon of day two, Odasaku knocks on Dazai's door, and then because he expects it to not even be acknowledged-]

Dazai, it's me.

[ninjou]

[There's a loud clatter from inside, like something being dropped, then another slam or two as Dazai shuffles things off his desk and into drawers. He has his shit together. Really. He doesn't know how terrible he looks because the mirror on the wall has been taken down, but he combs his hair back with his hands and runs his palms over his face before he goes to the door, looking like he hasn't slept in ages.

Slowly, the door opens, and Dazai peeks out with one bloodshot, dark-rimmed eye and one bandaged one. Yep. It's Oda.

He darts a hand out and grips Odasaku's shirt, dragging him inside, kicking the door shut behind him before shoving the older man against the wall and shaking him.]

This doesn't look much like leaving me alone.

[tenimuho]

[Oda's pretty sure Dazai shoved him against that wall hard enough to bruise. He's also pretty sure a bruise is the least of his concerns right now.

Despite that, he doesn't make any attempt to escape Dazai's hold. And Dazai knows well that Oda could get away if he wanted to.]

You said to leave you alone for a while, it's been a while. And I'm worried.

[ninjou]

[Dazai scowls, fumbling with one hand beneath his jacket for something that isn't ultimately there. He grits his teeth and shoots a look at the desk, where his gun sits, propped up strangely on some books. Turning his attention back to Odasaku, he shakes the man violently.]

You ruined everything. Don't pretend to care about me now.

[tenimuho]

[Oda catches the look at his gun, realizes that Dazai might well have shot him if he didn't have his gun on his desk, doesn't feel too upset about that. He feels more upset about what Dazai says to him.]

I'm not pretending. I just can't care about you in the way you want.

[ninjou]

It wouldn't be hard for you to care. You're just being selfish.

[He speaks through gritted teeth, glaring at the man before him. How dare Odasaku do this? The feelings are stirring and he loathes them. Why must he ache when he looks into those eyes? Why must he feel weak and alone? He bites at his lower lip for a moment as he stares ahead, eventually letting his hands drop to his sides.]

You damn jerk...

[tenimuho]

I'm sorry.

[He knows his feelings - but he knows how Dazai's are hurting him, and he never wanted to hurt him or make him feel alone.

In probably the stupidest thing Oda has ever done, he attempts to hug Dazai.]

[ninjou]

[Yep, that was stupid. It's also effective, and disarms Dazai enough that he just gapes a bit instead of speaking. The silence is oppressive, but he moves, putting his arms slowly around Odasaku before pressing him back against the door again. He wants what he can't have, and he's miserable without it. The way he slides in and settles his body fully against Odasaku's is more than a hint at that.]

[tenimuho]

[Stupid and effective are not mutually exclusive.

With his back against the door and Dazai on his front, Oda is trapped - but he doesn't want to be anywhere else right now. He holds onto Dazai a little tighter, murmuring 'I'm sorry' again.

He knows what Dazai wants. He isn't that dense.]

[ninjou]

[Dazai is a willful idiot, and he knows, somewhere in the part of his brain that isn't sleep deprived and useless, that he should accept the apology and send Odasaku off. Maybe go ahead and kill himself, too, because it seems like the best course. It'll hurt less. Instead, he turns his head so that he has his lips near Oda's throat. He murmurs something that sounds like "me too" before he parts his lips and presses a kiss to the man's neck, just to the side of his adam's apple.]

[tenimuho]

[Oda should say something. He knows he can't - or won't - give Dazai what he really wants, and he should stop this before it goes anywhere.

He doesn't. A soft sigh escapes his lips, and he rests one of his hands in Dazai's hair, on the back of his head.]

[ninjou]

[Dazai willfully misreads that as acceptance, and he presses more kisses to Osasaku's neck, desperate and hungry, before parting his lips, baring his teeth, and chancing a bite. Not a hard one. Not yet. But this makes him feel like a human being for once. When was the last time he could claim such a thing?]

[tenimuho]

[There will be consequences for this. Oda knows that. But here and now, Dazai looks more alive than he has in a long time, longer than just his recent bout of despair. And Oda can't bear to take that from him.]

Dazai.

[Oda's voice is rough. He tilts his neck to give Dazai more room to work.]

Is this okay?

[Wouldn't a desk or something be easier...?]