For ninjou, boss Dazai.

[tenimuho]

[Of course it eventually came to this.

There was never really any doubt in Odasaku's mind that Dazai would be the next boss. Even among the executives, he was the most talented, the most ruthless. Once Dazai removed Mori from the picture, his position would be - well, not secure, but as secure as being the head of a mafia ever gets.

Odasaku knew it was coming. That doesn't mean he has to like it.]

You called for me, boss?

[The boss's office is very, very nice. That's one of the few entirely positive things that Odasaku can say about this situation: Dazai has an even nicer office now.

He'd rather not dwell on the other things he might say.]

Comments

[tenimuho]

[...Ah. Odasaku's eyes widen a fraction again.

He'll take Dazai at his word this time. Because he's the type of person who wants to trust people, and more than that, he wants to trust Dazai.

Even if he is the boss, even if he has changed, there is still some of the man he loved in there. There has to be.

And so Odasaku will take the risk of being honest.]

This isn't how I wanted it, either.

I thought about what I'd do if I ever had the nerve to ask. If there was any chance of getting away with a date, or you'd just have to settle for my cooking and my DVD player that barely works. All the romantic things I'd do if, somehow, you wanted to do them too.

Just... not like this.

[ninjou]

I don't know what to do.

[He sounds dead, maybe a little pathetic. Odasaku is his world, and his world is changing. Everything is shifting. He's in charge, he's the boss, he can't play favorites, he can't have relationships or any kind of illicit anything that doesn't have to do with business, or he'll risk losing focus and respect. But dammit, he wants this man more than he wants to breathe. More than he wants to kill, more than he wants to die.]

I would've said yes to anything you asked. Anything.

[It wounds. It'll sting forever. He could've had just one perfect beautiful moment and now he's fucking it up and Odasaku is going to think this is obligation and not affection.

He runs a hand through his hair.]

You can leave. You don't have to stay.

[tenimuho]

...I'm sorry I didn't.

[Because he can't ask now. Dazai is the boss, and he is the lowest-ranking member, and his role is to dutifully carry out what orders are given to him, and that's all.]

I don't want to go, Dazai.

[When was the last time he even was able to call him that...?]

[ninjou]

[He closes his eyes at his name, the way Odasaku says it like it's normal and natural and who he is. Whether that's true or not remains to be seen, but they can pretend if necessary.

Dazai lets out a breath, and he can't bear to look. This is it.]

Stay, then. Stay the night.

[tenimuho]

Alright.

[It is definitely, without question, overstepping his bounds to try to pull Dazai into a hug.

But Dazai looks like he could really use one right now.]

[ninjou]

[Ducking his head and leaning into those arms is the best decision he's made since he became boss. The system is being overhauled, the Port Mafia stronger than ever, and will continue to grow, just... he'll lose everything in the process. Including the things he never had.

He can't even raise his own arms to embrace Odasaku back, not yet. Instead, he lets himself be held for a few moments. Then, hesitating, he raises his arms and settles his hands squarely in the middle of his friend's back.]

If you sleep with me tonight, it's not because I ordered you to, is it?

[tenimuho]

It's not.

[And he's sorry for misunderstanding in the first place. Things are different now, and he can't deny it, but maybe he'd been a bit unfair to Dazai.]

It's something I wish we'd done a long time ago.

[ninjou]

I thought it was the only way you'd ever do it, if I asked... like that. I wasn't going to... [He chokes on the words.] Force you to, or anything.

[tenimuho]

I know. I shouldn't have ever doubted you.

[It wouldn't have really been forcing. It's just that he couldn't say no.]

[ninjou]

No... I deserve your doubt.

[And ire and hatred and god knows what else. Because Dazai might as well be a traitor to Odasaku now, as much as he's changed.]

I don't think we'll ever be able to be like this again.

[tenimuho]

I thought so. The boss can't play favorites.

[It is a given that anything that Dazai treasures will inevitably disappear.

How Odasaku wishes he could contradict that right now. But he can't.]

[ninjou]

What if I find a way?

[A weak smile, and he straightens, moving to lean Odasaku against the door.]

I need you. We can work together on this.

[tenimuho]

[He doesn't put up any resistance.]

I'll help you however I can. -- I miss you.

[ninjou]

[Good. Dazai doesn't want any suggestion of force. He's desperate for Odasaku to give him this kind of affection, and he's wanted it for so, so long. It's pathetic, maybe, sure, because he's the boss and Odasaku could't be lower. Dazai has no designs on changing that unless Odasaku wants and earns it. He won't be accused of nepotism. But then again, no one has to know they're doing this, and... and maybe it won't be the only time.]

I miss you, too. I'm... I know I've changed. Forgive me.

[tenimuho]

I'll always forgive you, Dazai.

[Because Dazai is the most important person in the world to him, and Dazai's not the only person who hates letting go of what and who he treasurse.

Odasaku leans forward a little, to bury a kiss in Dazai's hair.]

[ninjou]

That's good.

[He really does sigh with relief, and he sounds lighter than he has in a while. The Dazai who would drink with Odasaku and make jokes and do ridiculous little things is the one standing before him, not the boss he's come to be. He can let his guard down, here.

The kiss is unexpected. It's wonderful, and he's content.]

Can I... tell you something?

[tenimuho]

Anything.

[He's glad. Dazai's been carrying so much weight on him, Odasaku wasn't sure he could ever put it down.]

[ninjou]

Ah, well...

[He swallows and he's just... well, god, he's the boss, he can't be shy. He also, as the boss, can't ask for what he's about to ask for. But he has to, and he has to be blunt.]

Before, with any men, I've always been... I guess "on top" is one way to put it.

[tenimuho]

I don't mind either way.

[He's topped, and he's bottomed, and they've both been fine. Not spectacular, just... fine.]

[ninjou]

Right.

[He doesn't mind. Oh, what if... what if he doesn't like... He never even asked.]

But... I mean, you like men, right?

[tenimuho]

I think so? I like you, anyway.

[Other men have been attractive, but there's been no emotional connection.]

[ninjou]

Well, do you like women better? I can get someone...?

[It's actually not the best idea he's ever communicated. It doesn't quite strike him as as stupid as it is, because he's just a little oblivious to certain norms, but hey! It's par for the course, isn't it?

And he's trying, trying so hard to make sure Odasaku is happy and comfortable. Just once, even if never again, he'll get to be with him. Even if it's just watching him with someone else. Even if it's just cuddling. He'll take anything, anything at all.]

[tenimuho]

[...Dazai. Dazai no.

How does he explain this simply.]

The reason I don't have more sex is because it's not that exciting to me unless it's with someone I actually care about.

Men and women don't matter. I just want you.

[ninjou]

Me?

[Just him. Why that seems suddenly surprising is kind of pathetic, really. Friendship is one thing. Missing someone. But knowing he is wanted, singularly and uniquely, makes him smile and pause and look at Odasaku so dumbly that he must seem like the kid who looked up to him a few years ago as the absolute paragon of manliness and kindness and coolness.]

Then... if you'll take things slow, could you be on top?

[Because on the inside, part of him is that awestruck kid who wants nothing more than Odasaku's approval and affection.]

It might take a while for me to be ready.

[tenimuho]

I'll do my best.

[He won't rush Dazai or do anything he's uncomfortable with. He never would, and that hasn't changed at all.

Odasaku drops another kiss, this one on his cheek.]