crowspace | For ninjou, boss Dazai.

[And remove Mori, he had, with a few well-placed gunshots and no feelings whatsoever. Hell, he smiled when it was done, when he checked the body for a pulse, and slit his throat just to be sure. But Mori had it coming. Mori always had it coming. Dazai, unlike Mori, could be truly generous, and didn't enjoy stabbing people in the back if it wasn't good and beneficial and just.

Usually.

But becoming the boss has slowly shifted him. It has, most notably, pulled him away from his single and singular friend. He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to treat Odasaku the same way again. Loneliness took over quickly, the solitude of being feared at the top. In a sick way, it made sense why Mori would devote his time to a child rather than to adults, to people who could think and judge and understand.

Dazai can't do that. And he needs his friend.]

You can sit down, if you want.

[He struggles to be informal with Odasaku, even if he is his boss now. Even if there should be a chasm where merely a small space used to be. He has nothing left but Odasaku, and when this is over, he doubts he'll have him, either. Maybe breaking ties is good.]

Thank you.

[Odasaku takes the chair in front of the desk. If there are orders for him, he'll listen to them quietly - if it's something else, he'll accept that too.

What else can you do with the boss, even when he's someone who used to be his closest friend?

Odasaku barely sees him any longer. He knows more about how Dazai is doing through hearsay than from actually spending time with him. No more nights at the bar talking about where Dazai got his latest bandages from. No more toasting with Ango. Nothing like that at all.]

[Nothing. They've been reduced to almost nothing. Dazai can't bear it much longer, this strange limbo, and he has to either secure it or cut the ties. He'll... he'll try. Something.

Sitting in his own chair, he leans forward. It seems like he's about to do the standard thing Mori did, but instead he leans his cheek on one hand, elbow on the desk, looking like the same old Dazai. He doesn't sound like the old Dazai, but he tries...]

I want you to sleep with me.

[Oh.

Odasaku's eyes widen, not very much but enough for someone who knows him well enough to know how minute his reactions are to notice. His poker face is good, but even he can't completely hide his surprise.

If that had been a request before all of this happened... If Dazai had asked him that after crashing at his meager apartment, assuming he was sober enough to know what he was saying - if Dazai had asked him that then, Odasaku knows himself well enough to know his answer would be yes.

Because Dazai Osamu was someone that Odasaku loved. There was no greater pleasure for him than seeing a genuine smile on Dazai's face. The hazards of their occupation, and of Dazai being Dazai, meant that every time Dazai came back from a mission safely, relief warmed Odasaku's heart. He hadn't lost his dearest person - not just yet.

...But this isn't the old Dazai, and that isn't a request. The boss doesn't do requests, only orders.

And there's only one correct answer to an order from the boss.]

Yes, boss.

[His answer is mechanical, with no trace of emotion behind it.]

[The reaction sends a chill through Dazai, knowing he's done something unforgivable. He's betrayed the trust of the one person he's ever truly cared about, just by stating a want. A desire. One he's had for so long, and now feels a need to see gone. There's so much overflowing love that dies at that answer, and his smile falters. It wasn't a command. It was't an order. It...

He broke it. He broke everything. He destroyed their entire life together in one sentence. He can feel it, down to his core, that he's made a mistake.]

It's...

[He fumbles for words, trying to smile, trying to be eloquent and boss-like. He can't. He needs Odasaku. Their positions just... make that impossible. And now, profoundly, he wishes he'd asked it a long time ago, when he wasn't slowly becoming a monster. He is no longer the man Odasaku cared for. Everything in that response says it.

So Dazai straightens in his chair, then leans back in it.]

Tonight. Six. My room. Do you know where it is?

I do.

[He doesn't need instructions. It's better that Dazai has to tell him to do as little as possible. Self-sufficiency is the mark of a good subordinate.

He can sleep with someone. The mechanics of the act aren't complicated. It's surely not the hardest job he's ever been given.

And if even the thought of it is agonizingly painful - well, it's better not to let on. You don't get to choose your assignments just because you'd like to avoid pain.]

Is there anything else?

You don't have to come.

[He blurts it out, then levels a terribly serious look at Odasaku. In this, it probably (and quite accidentally) looks like this is a test of loyalty. But a chill has settled over the boss, and his obedient, good subordinate is acquiescing and accepting and will, he knows, be promptly on time.

Dazai hates himself more than he ever hated Mori.

But a long silence hangs over them, and Dazai knows the damage is done.]

No. That's all.

I'll come. ...Goodbye, then.

[Odasaku rises from his seat, and leaves without looking back.

And if he spends the rest of the time between then and six PM curled up on his own bed, it doesn't matter as long as long as he still shows up on time. As long as the traces of tears are long gone by the time he leaves, then everything is fine.

The knock on Dazai's door comes at six o'clock exactly.]

[He doesn't answer the farewell, just watches him leave, waits for the door to close, and gives a few seconds more before he hurls a heavy object at the door, denting it, and not caring at all. This is his best friend, who has grown distant. He's trying now to blame Odasaku for seeing him as different, rather than himself for changing. It helps soften the blow to his ego that Odasaku's acceptance had been.

It wasn't an order.

He loves him.

Loved?

Dazai doesn't know. He can only hope they can work it out, maybe. Things can be fine, and good, and he can make excuses and apologies.

He's nervously standing by the door at six, so that when there's a knock, there's only a fraction of a second before the door is flung open and he steps back to let Odasaku enter.]

I... really didn't think you'd come.

Edited 2017-01-11 05:47 (UTC)

I said I would.

[Does Dazai know him so little that he doesn't think he'd keep his word? It might have been some time since they'd spent time with each other, but Odasaku doesn't think he's changed that much.

Then again, who knows. Maybe Dazai doesn't realize he's changed, either.

Odasaku steps inside and closes the door behind him. He's quiet. Awaiting further instruction.]

[This is wrong, and bad, and horrible, and Dazai wonders if he can reel it back in or if the damage is, as assessed, already done.]

You didn't have to, though. I told you that.

[He doesn't mean for it to sound as stupid as it does.

Odasaku is here, though. He's here and Dazai will take what he said he;d take, because the line is crossed and his heart is already gone.

Reaching down, he gathers one of Odasaku's hands into his own.]

Kiss me.

[Odasaku leans in and kisses him.

It's not particularly forceful, but it's long and lingering. In other circumstances it might be referred to as 'sweet'. It's their first kiss together, and Odasaku would have liked something else - something chaste, maybe, where he could pull back after a moment and see if Dazai was flustered at all - but that's not what's going to happen.

He will do his job to the best of his ability, as always.]

[Dazai feels his heart sink at the feigned sweetness, and he almost loses himself right there, pushes Odasaku away, apologizes, bids him a good night. It's... it's so lovely, though, and he didn't realize he was missing anything until now. He's long wanted the press of those lips, yes he never had the courage to ask. So many lost opportunities, now turned into this ridiculous request.

He can't go through with it.

Dazai is the one who pulls away. And he's slightly flustered.]

I've... Odasaku...

[How many times has Odasaku wished he had the nerve just to kiss him? Or even just to say something? He was content with Dazai as his friend, and he didn't want to lose that, but he'd still wanted so many things-

But not like this. Not like this at all.]

Daz- boss?

[Ah. He slipped.]

I didn't want it to be like this.

[He's losing himself in being the boss and he doesn't want to. Odasaku is the last thread keeping him human. Odasaku is and was and will be everything he wants.

Swiftly, he moves back in and kisses him again, hard, but fleeting.]

I've wanted to kiss you for years. I've wanted you for so long, I just... You don't have to do this.

[...Ah. Odasaku's eyes widen a fraction again.

He'll take Dazai at his word this time. Because he's the type of person who wants to trust people, and more than that, he wants to trust Dazai.

Even if he is the boss, even if he has changed, there is still some of the man he loved in there. There has to be.

And so Odasaku will take the risk of being honest.]

This isn't how I wanted it, either.

I thought about what I'd do if I ever had the nerve to ask. If there was any chance of getting away with a date, or you'd just have to settle for my cooking and my DVD player that barely works. All the romantic things I'd do if, somehow, you wanted to do them too.

Just... not like this.

I don't know what to do.

[He sounds dead, maybe a little pathetic. Odasaku is his world, and his world is changing. Everything is shifting. He's in charge, he's the boss, he can't play favorites, he can't have relationships or any kind of illicit anything that doesn't have to do with business, or he'll risk losing focus and respect. But dammit, he wants this man more than he wants to breathe. More than he wants to kill, more than he wants to die.]

I would've said yes to anything you asked. Anything.

[It wounds. It'll sting forever. He could've had just one perfect beautiful moment and now he's fucking it up and Odasaku is going to think this is obligation and not affection.

He runs a hand through his hair.]

You can leave. You don't have to stay.

...I'm sorry I didn't.

[Because he can't ask now. Dazai is the boss, and he is the lowest-ranking member, and his role is to dutifully carry out what orders are given to him, and that's all.]

I don't want to go, Dazai.

[When was the last time he even was able to call him that...?]

[He closes his eyes at his name, the way Odasaku says it like it's normal and natural and who he is. Whether that's true or not remains to be seen, but they can pretend if necessary.

Dazai lets out a breath, and he can't bear to look. This is it.]

Stay, then. Stay the night.

Edited 2017-01-12 04:26 (UTC)

Alright.

[It is definitely, without question, overstepping his bounds to try to pull Dazai into a hug.

But Dazai looks like he could really use one right now.]

[Ducking his head and leaning into those arms is the best decision he's made since he became boss. The system is being overhauled, the Port Mafia stronger than ever, and will continue to grow, just... he'll lose everything in the process. Including the things he never had.

He can't even raise his own arms to embrace Odasaku back, not yet. Instead, he lets himself be held for a few moments. Then, hesitating, he raises his arms and settles his hands squarely in the middle of his friend's back.]

If you sleep with me tonight, it's not because I ordered you to, is it?

It's not.

[And he's sorry for misunderstanding in the first place. Things are different now, and he can't deny it, but maybe he'd been a bit unfair to Dazai.]

It's something I wish we'd done a long time ago.

I thought it was the only way you'd ever do it, if I asked... like that. I wasn't going to... [He chokes on the words.] Force you to, or anything.

I know. I shouldn't have ever doubted you.

[It wouldn't have really been forcing. It's just that he couldn't say no.]

No... I deserve your doubt.

[And ire and hatred and god knows what else. Because Dazai might as well be a traitor to Odasaku now, as much as he's changed.]

I don't think we'll ever be able to be like this again.

For ninjou, boss Dazai.

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