For ninjou.

[tenimuho]

[Tonight, Dazai is really drunk.

This is not different from most other nights in their favorite bar, save for a few things.

1. Ango isn't here.

2. Dazai is really drunk. The kind of drunk that has Odasaku concerned that he might be trying to die through liver failure. That drunk.

And so, it's with hesitation that he speaks up.]

Maybe you should stop drinking for tonight.

Comments

[ninjou]

Oh.

[NOW he's blushing.]

[tenimuho]

You have beautiful hands. They're smaller than mine, softer, and better for so much more delicate work. I like holding them. I could do that all day, just that.

I think you're the perfect height. If you were shorter it'd be hard to kiss you, but if you were taller we'd bump noses. And when I hug you it feels like you fit naturally there.

You're handsome, Dazai. You'll never convince me that you're not.

[ninjou]

Careful...

[He drinks more water and glances away.]

If you say things like that to just anybody, people will fall in love with you too easily.

[tenimuho]

I've only said them to you.

[...wait. Okay. No. Delirious, sick Dazai definitely does not actually mean 'in love with' in the sense of 'in love with'. That'd be ridiculous. That's not what's happening.]

[ninjou]

Ah... alright. Good.

[So that's fine he only has to worry about Dazai falling in love with him. It makes Dazai feel more secure with his place in Odasaku's life. He really is special.]

[tenimuho]

...Was that good enough revenge?

[Wait, why is he asking Dazai that.]

[ninjou]

I could listen to it all day.

[He curls back down into the bed and looks at Odasaku with glassy, feverish eyes. But there's a shift in his expression, gentle and adoring. Totally just the illness... totally...]

[tenimuho]

That's not good. I'm trying to embarrass you.

[Probably impossible.

He kind of wants to curl up with Dazai, but - sick. That'd be not a great idea.]

[ninjou]

It's never going to work. I'm invincible. And I really like the sound of your voice. I'll get lost in it forever, and then what will you do?

[More smiles, and he tries to fuss with his hair.]

[tenimuho]

[Don't do that, you're going to get it messy.]

I'll break out my secret weapon.

[ninjou]

What's that?

[Tell tell tell.]

[tenimuho]

It's a secret. I can't just tell you now.

[ninjou]

I have a secret, too... Let's trade...

[tenimuho]

...

Only if you go first.

[Then he can judge if it's worth it.]

[ninjou]

[He smiles and burrows under the covers.]

I've had a crush on you since the day I almost punched you.

[He was fifteen.]

I hated how calm you were.

[tenimuho]

That long?

[That's three years now. Wow.]

If I got upset every time someone punched me, I'd spend a lot of my time upset.

[He scoots his chair closer to the bed, so he can rest a hand on top of the covers where Dazai is.]

[ninjou]

You're invincible. I envy that sometimes. I wish I had half the heart you do.

[Some of this is the fever.]

I can't explain it. I probably just sound like a kid with a crush, now.

[tenimuho]

No, I don't think that at all.

[He's not invincible, but he's not arguing with a sick person either.]

...My secret is that I love you.

[He doesn't understand why Dazai would love him back, but he can't deny that his own feelings go beyond 'like'.]

[ninjou]

[Dazai looks back out from the covers, looks at the hand on him, looks at Odasaku like he's an alien and nothing makes sense and he's dreaming because there's... there's no damn way. He can't... love him. He can't.

He makes a small sound and... when he speaks, he sounds strangled and confused.]

I'm sick, don't... mess with me like that.

[tenimuho]

I'm not messing with you.

[He says this firmly, because Dazai has to know he's serious, has to stop looking at him like he's said something bizarre that no one could possibly believe.]

I love you. I'm in love with you.

[ninjou]

Do you... do you have to say things like that when I can't...

[He's fucking dying he's asleep he's out of his mind....... he can't kiss him or hold him or be in his lap or in his arms and it's not fair.

He almost whines.]

I've... been in love with you. I waited forever to tell you I even liked you because I was ready for you to reject me. You don't... I can't...

[He sighs.]

Fuck.

[tenimuho]

...Saying it when we shouldn't kiss was kind of mean of me. Sorry.

[Just a bit, Odasaku. And it doesn't help that Odasaku can't keep from smiling.

He reaches out and strokes Dazai's hair anyway, germs be damned.]

I'll tell you again when you're better. And then again every time you want to hear it.

[ninjou]

[God, he's so confused and maybe it's the fever it has to be the fever. He still looks desperately upset.]

You're lying... this isn't real and I hate being sick.

[tenimuho]

I'm not lying, Dazai, I wouldn't lie to you about this.

[He's an unintentional jerk sometimes but not an intentional one.]

How can I convince you.

[ninjou]

I love you.

[He curls up tightly and tips his head forward so that his face is in the pillows.

And he yells it. I love you. Like pain and anguish and everything that isn't right, he loves Odasaku and Odasaku loves him. It makes no sense but he's going insane and he wants to scream every feeling he's harbored for three years.]

I don't want to die. You make me want to stop trying to die, you know? I can't... understand. I'm sorry. I love you so much. Please don't...