For ninjou.

[tenimuho]

[Tonight, Dazai is really drunk.

This is not different from most other nights in their favorite bar, save for a few things.

1. Ango isn't here.

2. Dazai is really drunk. The kind of drunk that has Odasaku concerned that he might be trying to die through liver failure. That drunk.

And so, it's with hesitation that he speaks up.]

Maybe you should stop drinking for tonight.

Comments

[tenimuho]

...Was that good enough revenge?

[Wait, why is he asking Dazai that.]

[ninjou]

I could listen to it all day.

[He curls back down into the bed and looks at Odasaku with glassy, feverish eyes. But there's a shift in his expression, gentle and adoring. Totally just the illness... totally...]

[tenimuho]

That's not good. I'm trying to embarrass you.

[Probably impossible.

He kind of wants to curl up with Dazai, but - sick. That'd be not a great idea.]

[ninjou]

It's never going to work. I'm invincible. And I really like the sound of your voice. I'll get lost in it forever, and then what will you do?

[More smiles, and he tries to fuss with his hair.]

[tenimuho]

[Don't do that, you're going to get it messy.]

I'll break out my secret weapon.

[ninjou]

What's that?

[Tell tell tell.]

[tenimuho]

It's a secret. I can't just tell you now.

[ninjou]

I have a secret, too... Let's trade...

[tenimuho]

...

Only if you go first.

[Then he can judge if it's worth it.]

[ninjou]

[He smiles and burrows under the covers.]

I've had a crush on you since the day I almost punched you.

[He was fifteen.]

I hated how calm you were.

[tenimuho]

That long?

[That's three years now. Wow.]

If I got upset every time someone punched me, I'd spend a lot of my time upset.

[He scoots his chair closer to the bed, so he can rest a hand on top of the covers where Dazai is.]

[ninjou]

You're invincible. I envy that sometimes. I wish I had half the heart you do.

[Some of this is the fever.]

I can't explain it. I probably just sound like a kid with a crush, now.

[tenimuho]

No, I don't think that at all.

[He's not invincible, but he's not arguing with a sick person either.]

...My secret is that I love you.

[He doesn't understand why Dazai would love him back, but he can't deny that his own feelings go beyond 'like'.]

[ninjou]

[Dazai looks back out from the covers, looks at the hand on him, looks at Odasaku like he's an alien and nothing makes sense and he's dreaming because there's... there's no damn way. He can't... love him. He can't.

He makes a small sound and... when he speaks, he sounds strangled and confused.]

I'm sick, don't... mess with me like that.

[tenimuho]

I'm not messing with you.

[He says this firmly, because Dazai has to know he's serious, has to stop looking at him like he's said something bizarre that no one could possibly believe.]

I love you. I'm in love with you.

[ninjou]

Do you... do you have to say things like that when I can't...

[He's fucking dying he's asleep he's out of his mind....... he can't kiss him or hold him or be in his lap or in his arms and it's not fair.

He almost whines.]

I've... been in love with you. I waited forever to tell you I even liked you because I was ready for you to reject me. You don't... I can't...

[He sighs.]

Fuck.

[tenimuho]

...Saying it when we shouldn't kiss was kind of mean of me. Sorry.

[Just a bit, Odasaku. And it doesn't help that Odasaku can't keep from smiling.

He reaches out and strokes Dazai's hair anyway, germs be damned.]

I'll tell you again when you're better. And then again every time you want to hear it.

[ninjou]

[God, he's so confused and maybe it's the fever it has to be the fever. He still looks desperately upset.]

You're lying... this isn't real and I hate being sick.

[tenimuho]

I'm not lying, Dazai, I wouldn't lie to you about this.

[He's an unintentional jerk sometimes but not an intentional one.]

How can I convince you.

[ninjou]

I love you.

[He curls up tightly and tips his head forward so that his face is in the pillows.

And he yells it. I love you. Like pain and anguish and everything that isn't right, he loves Odasaku and Odasaku loves him. It makes no sense but he's going insane and he wants to scream every feeling he's harbored for three years.]

I don't want to die. You make me want to stop trying to die, you know? I can't... understand. I'm sorry. I love you so much. Please don't...

[tenimuho]

[Odasaku moves onto the bed, moves to wrap his arms around Dazai's back. If he gets sick and has to stay bedridden it will be worth it, even when his superiors aren't as understanding about illness as Dazai's subordinates are. They don't matter right now.

It's just Dazai and him. The outside world doesn't exist at all.]

I love you, Dazai. Whenever you're happy it's like a weight I didn't know I had has been taken off me suddenly. I want to see you smile, and I want to be there for you when you cry.

[ninjou]

[Dazai will make it seem like Odasaku was doing something important elsewhere while he recovered. He's feverish and this still isn't real even with arms around him. He faces Odasaku, looks deep, deep into his eyes because nothing in the world makes sense right now.]

Idiot. I never cry...

[tenimuho]

You might someday.

[Even if he doesn't now, things change. Something in this world might be enough to make even Dazai Osamu shed a tear.]

And I'll hold you when you do, just like this.

[He holds onto Dazai a little more tightly.]

[ninjou]

I'll never cry.

[He's crying, by the way. Not sobbing, just... curling in and letting a couple of stupid tears fall.]

I'm sick and you love me.

[tenimuho]

[Odasaku doesn't feel the need to point out that he's contradicting himself. Not out loud, but he wipes a tear away with his thumb.]

I also love you when you're not sick. For the record.