crowspace | For ninjou.

[Dazai looks back out from the covers, looks at the hand on him, looks at Odasaku like he's an alien and nothing makes sense and he's dreaming because there's... there's no damn way. He can't... love him. He can't.

He makes a small sound and... when he speaks, he sounds strangled and confused.]

I'm sick, don't... mess with me like that.

I'm not messing with you.

[He says this firmly, because Dazai has to know he's serious, has to stop looking at him like he's said something bizarre that no one could possibly believe.]

I love you. I'm in love with you.

Do you... do you have to say things like that when I can't...

[He's fucking dying he's asleep he's out of his mind....... he can't kiss him or hold him or be in his lap or in his arms and it's not fair.

He almost whines.]

I've... been in love with you. I waited forever to tell you I even liked you because I was ready for you to reject me. You don't... I can't...

[He sighs.]

Fuck.

...Saying it when we shouldn't kiss was kind of mean of me. Sorry.

[Just a bit, Odasaku. And it doesn't help that Odasaku can't keep from smiling.

He reaches out and strokes Dazai's hair anyway, germs be damned.]

I'll tell you again when you're better. And then again every time you want to hear it.

[God, he's so confused and maybe it's the fever it has to be the fever. He still looks desperately upset.]

You're lying... this isn't real and I hate being sick.

I'm not lying, Dazai, I wouldn't lie to you about this.

[He's an unintentional jerk sometimes but not an intentional one.]

How can I convince you.

I love you.

[He curls up tightly and tips his head forward so that his face is in the pillows.

And he yells it. I love you. Like pain and anguish and everything that isn't right, he loves Odasaku and Odasaku loves him. It makes no sense but he's going insane and he wants to scream every feeling he's harbored for three years.]

I don't want to die. You make me want to stop trying to die, you know? I can't... understand. I'm sorry. I love you so much. Please don't...

Edited 2016-11-04 23:27 (UTC)

[Odasaku moves onto the bed, moves to wrap his arms around Dazai's back. If he gets sick and has to stay bedridden it will be worth it, even when his superiors aren't as understanding about illness as Dazai's subordinates are. They don't matter right now.

It's just Dazai and him. The outside world doesn't exist at all.]

I love you, Dazai. Whenever you're happy it's like a weight I didn't know I had has been taken off me suddenly. I want to see you smile, and I want to be there for you when you cry.

[Dazai will make it seem like Odasaku was doing something important elsewhere while he recovered. He's feverish and this still isn't real even with arms around him. He faces Odasaku, looks deep, deep into his eyes because nothing in the world makes sense right now.]

Idiot. I never cry...

You might someday.

[Even if he doesn't now, things change. Something in this world might be enough to make even Dazai Osamu shed a tear.]

And I'll hold you when you do, just like this.

[He holds onto Dazai a little more tightly.]

I'll never cry.

[He's crying, by the way. Not sobbing, just... curling in and letting a couple of stupid tears fall.]

I'm sick and you love me.

[Odasaku doesn't feel the need to point out that he's contradicting himself. Not out loud, but he wipes a tear away with his thumb.]

I also love you when you're not sick. For the record.

[He sighs.]

Why did you do it while I'm sick???

Bad planning.

[It was not a great secret weapon, at least not for what he intended.]

[Yeah, it was the absolute worst timing and Dazai hates everything.]

I really just want to sleep with you now.

[Oh. He's a little red.]

I'd get sick, and also I think it would be better in general if you didn't have a fever at the time.

No.

[If he gets sick, he gets sick. Dazai is half delirious right now. He wants what he wants and will have to be carefully dissuaded. Good luck.]

If you get sick, I'll take full responsibility.

[This is the most difficult mission he's ever taken.]

You'd enjoy yourself more if you weren't sick. ...I want it to be good for you.

[He clearly doesn't care and he has water on his face that is not tears, definitely not. Odasaku is right, and Dazai is half out of his mind and might not recall this all tomorrow properly but... He's stubborn.]

Make love to me. I'm serious. I don't care if I'm sick.

[Dazai is making this really difficult. 'Make love to me'... stop being romantic about it, it's his weak point.]

At least wait until I'm sure you'll remember it all later.

[Dammit. He was sure that line would work. Ugh. Being sick is the worst and he wants to kiss Odasaku and hold him and finally, finally be with him intimately because it's not right if they love each other and they don't. His logic is always broken when it comes to romance, as he's never had a decent role model for anything, let alone healthy relationships. He's been the love them and leave them type with beautiful women, needy women, every woman he felt like being with. Odasaku is so different and his body aches for him as much as his heart and mind do, and he's been trying to think of a way to bring it back up ever since that first day...]

I... don't care...

I'm not going anywhere, Dazai. I want to at least do that part right, since I messed up confessing to you.

[Odasaku's not sure what to do. He's never sure - Dazai is a walking disruption of every expectation he has.

Dazai loves him, and Odasaku loves him back, and that's why they can't do this right now, because he knows he'd regret it. Later. Later, when Dazai's well, they can do this properly.]

Well, if it's all already messed up, it doesn't matter, right?

[He looks at him for a few moments more, then closes his eyes and sighs. He doesn't know how else to express himself because he's sick and it's awful and he has no concept of how to treat people kindly other than paying them or giving them favors or... something like this. It's horrible. How does he make sure Odasaku knows he loves him?]

Right. I'm pressuring you. I shouldn't do that.

It's alright. I understand how you feel.

[It's tempting. It's really tempting.]

Please be patient. I'll make love to you when you're better, I promise.

Okay.

[He looks into his eyes and he just... melts. He's so stupid and so in love and so confused and so, so sick.]

I love you. Even though I'm sick.

For ninjou.

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