crowspace | SOULMATE AU MEME

[He doesn't look anything like that other Dazai. Hair too red, clothes too flashy, eyes too bright and unclouded by the darkness of the mafia.

Similarly, while Dazai couldn't possibly identify this Ango by sight - he's nothing like the Ango Dazai knows-]

Have we met before?

[He feels familiar. So much so that being addressed as -kun by what could be a stranger doesn't bother him.

In fact, he takes a seat right next to Ango.]

The usual, please.

[It's really him, and yet not him at all. Ango winds up staring at him in unabashed shock, this different Dazai, while too discombobulated to catch his own rudeness - his hair keeps catching Ango's eye above everything else because, in a uniquely cruel twist, it's nearly the same shade as that of the Odasaku he knows.

Knew.

God, he needs to stop this whole process at some point, if only for his own dwindling sanity... but how? How could he dream of it before he's actually set right all the things he destroyed?]

Ah - [Dazai's rather understandably waiting for an answer, which suddenly seems impossible to dig out of his brain despite the number of times he's faced the same question. How does one lie effectively to a person they might not know anything about?] - yes, once, through a friend of a friend. I'm surprised we've never come across each other here before.

Oh, is that so? I'll have to thank them sometime.

[There are only so many friends he has this long after his death, so it can't be too hard to track them down. At least the bartender here doesn't recognize him - naturally, because he looks different in the photos on the wall. Different face, different hair, same Dazai.

(The stupid half-standing on the chair pose is the same from the Dazai Ango would remember, though.)

The three of them go by their names, but as far as the bartender is concerned, as long as their money is good then it's not his business if they want to play pretend at being the decadent school.]

What can I get you?

[He shouldn't be flustered to have Dazai's charm turned on him, considering how often Dazai has well and truly flirted with him during one of these cycles, but Ango's cheeks still puff out and flush with embarrassment. Because Dazai looks different? No, this one is merely attractive in a different way, not more or less so.

Because Ango will always be awkward regardless of how many times he takes on the same task with the same person? More likely.]

Just a tomato juice, thanks. It's one of those unfortunate days where I need to remain responsible and clear-headed for my own sake, not that of someone else, so I'd best stick to it. [Glancing sidelong at Dazai, once again staring far too closely because the blend of familiarity and difference keeps throwing him off-balance.] Actually, I don't suppose you can recommend somewhere to stay nearby? Last minute vacancies are so rare here.

A Moscow Mule for me, and tomato juice for my friend of a friend here. Put it on my tab.

[While the bartender fixes up their drinks, Dazai considers the question.]

I'm not all that familiar with the hotels here... [They've changed considerably since he was alive.] But the place I'm staying in has a few spare rooms. Of course, if you stay there I'll have to swear you to secrecy.

[That's right... he needs to introduce himself. How should he introduce himself?!]

Th-thank you - Dazai-kun - [Ango's speech pattern is already rather rapidfire and jumpy by its nature, so the added jittery gaps between words make his nervousness much more obvious than he'd like. He can't leave this universe until he succeeds or fails, but he can't waste any more time here, but - he doesn't want to leave any Dazai's side, not even one wearing a different face. His only choice is to see how long he can play this off, then see how Dazai reacts when the truth comes out and take it from there.

God, and he's so bad at improvising, too.]

I'd be very grateful for the use of a room. [He accepts his tomato juice and takes a small sip.] And as curious as you now have me about the nature of the place, it sounds like the less I know, the better for everyone involved. For my part, you have my word that I won't share anything I do see or discover.

[This guy is so jittery and nervous. He's so cute. Dazai can't say he'd complain even if he had to stay in Dazai's own room.]

Then it's a deal. I'll lobby on your behalf. The staff won't say no to me.

[After all, he's one of the greatest authors in the library! Surely all he has to do is ask nicely and the librarians will give in.]

So what's your name?

[Of course the staff of wherever he's staying won't say no to him. No one can ever say no to Dazai, unless that's the answer he really wants.

The first hint of a smile starts to play on Ango's lips, then immediately drops away at the question. Well, here goes nothing... wrapping both hands around his glass and staring down at them, he blurts out the truth.]

Would you believe me if I said Sakaguchi Ango?

[Dazai pauses, taking a moment to look at Ango more closely.

It's obvious by his nervous behavior that he's telling the truth and that he expects to be disbelieved. The looks aren't quite as far from how Ango was in life as they are from the summoned Ango, but neither are they a match.]

I'd believe you. If you're going to be named after a writer, Ango's not a bad choice.

A writer?

[Also "named after," which suggests that Ango and Dazai are from different generations, but that's not the most shocking part for him. Not yet, at least. He can't help but chuckle a bit helplessly under his breath at the thought of himself, the exhausted and overworked bookkeeper caught in several secret lives at once, trying to write anything.]

I see. The differences run deeper than I realized.

[Then Ango's entire reason for being there hits him so hard it nearly knocks him out of his chair: named after? If Sakaguchi Ango in this world could already have 20something men named in his honour, then... he turns toward Dazai with new urgency.]

No - Dazai-kun, am I too late? Is Odasaku-san still alive?

[He's wrong in several assumptions, the first of which is-]

You're about seventy years too late for that.

[-that the three of them lived in anything like 'modern times'.]

[What?

If Dazai is so thoroughly unstuck in time, then - how does Ango help? He can't. There's no way to help without saving Odasaku. This time he's not only been left with no options, but no trigger to start again.]

I'm sorry. I've tried everything, I've tried so hard, but - I'm so sorry, Dazai-kun. I don't think it can ever be set right.

I think you should probably explain what you're talking about.

[So far all he's managed to do is confuse the hell out of Dazai.]

[But how does he even explain?!

Well, first he gestures to the bartender again, because a clear head isn't going to help him at all. It's not even going to be an option in this complete clusterfuck.]

Whiskey on the rocks. I can pay, just so long as you ensure that I never see the bottom of my glass.

[Then he takes off his glasses and scrubs his hands over his face, which doesn't give any sign of having helped him regain his focus or calm when he lowers them.]

Have you heard of string theory, Dazai-kun? Or multiple parallel realities?

I think string theory's from a bit after my time, but I understand the concept of other realities.

[After his...

Wait.]

You're not meant to be here either, are you?

I was wondering if you knew you were talking to a ghost. If Ango and Odasaku are dead, then obviously Dazai should be dead too.

[They're a trio in any universe. That's just how things should be.]

[Dazai probably doesn't mean that as an accusation, but given what Ango's done in his own universe, it hits him in several uniquely painful ways.]

It was my fault. [Ango's voice gets thick with emotion, and he goes from watching Dazai too closely to avoiding his gaze at all costs.] Odasaku-san's death, in my own reality - it was my fault. And he was all you'd ever had, so I swore that I would make things right.

[The bartender finally brings his whiskey, but his throat feels much too tight to swallow anything, so he just stares at it.]

He just keeps dying. I can't do it, no matter - no matter what I do, you're left alone.

[Can Dazai see what Ango keeps missing yet?]

[This is obviously terribly painful for Ango, and Dazai almost feels like he doesn't have the right to say anything when he's in this state, but...]

...But he was brought back before I was, here? You can meet him if you want to.

No. You can't let me near him, or even tell me any more about him. This may be the one time -

[He's still missing something, though. The old trigger wouldn't make sense anymore, not here. And he can't cause the death of a ghost, surely.]

I don't understand. I don't know how I can change things to make you happy when they're like this.

[You can't if you're a responsible librarian and don't send him to get killed, anyway...]

...Trying to make me happy might be just about impossible. Even after dying and being brought back, that hasn't changed.

[The kind of person that Dazai is can't find peace, even after death.]

'I appreciate the thought' doesn't seem like the right thing to say...

[That's about the only answer that makes sense. Ango's wound up drinking with a ghost in this dead end of a universe because his task was always impossible, and now he's trapped here as his final punishment - for both his horrible actions and his misguided attempt to erase them for Dazai's sake.

And yet his only concern is still for Dazai, not himself or what he might lose if he never gets back to where he belongs. This tragic, infuriating young man has become his entire reason for existence.]

I'm not sure I'll be able to leave. [A very minor point, but a pressing one. It strikes him as darkly funny when he's forced to add:] Can I still accept your offer of a room for the night?

Of course.

[Dazai was going to let him stay when he was a stranger. Of course he'll let him stay now that he knows he's an Ango.]

But the Oda and Ango from this reality are there too. If you can't get near Oda, then I don't have any ideas.

[For just a fraction of a second, Ango looks like he's been slapped across the face.

Of course. Dazai has his own Ango here, along with his Odasaku.]

That shouldn't be the problem I first thought it might. I'm not even sure I have any purpose related to the - the three of you anymore.

Then, I'll see what I can do.

[After a moment, Dazai reaches out and gently pats Ango on the shoulder. He looks so pitiful, so lost without the only thing that had given him purpose for who knows how long, that Dazai can't not.]

Take a break while you're here.

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