crowspace | SOULMATE AU MEME

[Dazai probably doesn't mean that as an accusation, but given what Ango's done in his own universe, it hits him in several uniquely painful ways.]

It was my fault. [Ango's voice gets thick with emotion, and he goes from watching Dazai too closely to avoiding his gaze at all costs.] Odasaku-san's death, in my own reality - it was my fault. And he was all you'd ever had, so I swore that I would make things right.

[The bartender finally brings his whiskey, but his throat feels much too tight to swallow anything, so he just stares at it.]

He just keeps dying. I can't do it, no matter - no matter what I do, you're left alone.

[Can Dazai see what Ango keeps missing yet?]

[This is obviously terribly painful for Ango, and Dazai almost feels like he doesn't have the right to say anything when he's in this state, but...]

...But he was brought back before I was, here? You can meet him if you want to.

No. You can't let me near him, or even tell me any more about him. This may be the one time -

[He's still missing something, though. The old trigger wouldn't make sense anymore, not here. And he can't cause the death of a ghost, surely.]

I don't understand. I don't know how I can change things to make you happy when they're like this.

[You can't if you're a responsible librarian and don't send him to get killed, anyway...]

...Trying to make me happy might be just about impossible. Even after dying and being brought back, that hasn't changed.

[The kind of person that Dazai is can't find peace, even after death.]

'I appreciate the thought' doesn't seem like the right thing to say...

[That's about the only answer that makes sense. Ango's wound up drinking with a ghost in this dead end of a universe because his task was always impossible, and now he's trapped here as his final punishment - for both his horrible actions and his misguided attempt to erase them for Dazai's sake.

And yet his only concern is still for Dazai, not himself or what he might lose if he never gets back to where he belongs. This tragic, infuriating young man has become his entire reason for existence.]

I'm not sure I'll be able to leave. [A very minor point, but a pressing one. It strikes him as darkly funny when he's forced to add:] Can I still accept your offer of a room for the night?

Of course.

[Dazai was going to let him stay when he was a stranger. Of course he'll let him stay now that he knows he's an Ango.]

But the Oda and Ango from this reality are there too. If you can't get near Oda, then I don't have any ideas.

[For just a fraction of a second, Ango looks like he's been slapped across the face.

Of course. Dazai has his own Ango here, along with his Odasaku.]

That shouldn't be the problem I first thought it might. I'm not even sure I have any purpose related to the - the three of you anymore.

Then, I'll see what I can do.

[After a moment, Dazai reaches out and gently pats Ango on the shoulder. He looks so pitiful, so lost without the only thing that had given him purpose for who knows how long, that Dazai can't not.]

Take a break while you're here.

[That's so darkly humorous that Ango actually laughs aloud.]

I've never taken a break in my life.

It's not too late to start!

[Laughing is better than what he was doing with his face before.]

[How about looking at Dazai like he hung the moon and stars? How's that for a new look on his face? Because Ango's weary smile softens into an expression just about that adoring.]

The oddest thing about all this is... you seem happier, somehow. Maybe not happy, but happier than I've ever known you.

I'm not surprised. If that Dazai and Oda lived a life where you could have gotten Oda killed from something other tuberculosis, he must set a very low standard for Dazai happiness.

Or maybe I just fake it better?

[Says someone who is without a doubt a much worse liar than Ango's Dazai.]

They're - they were -

[This is starting to make Ango's head spin. He doesn't know when to say "you" or "him," who to speak of in past tense instead of present... maybe he's too late to save himself from the effects of universe-hopping. Maybe he's trapped in this strange other world with madness's claws already dug most of the way into his brain.]

- God, I'm so tired.

You look like you need several naps. Come on, I'll lend you my shoulder.

[Dazai tosses some money at the bartender - enough to cover Ango's drinks as well as his - then stands up.]

[Even if Ango wanted to argue, he couldn't possibly work up the energy. He gives the bartender one last nod of thanks and follows Dazai out, quietly very grateful that he won't need to navigate Tokyo and find a hotel on his own.]

The Ango I'll be meeting tonight... is he anything at all like me?

The complete opposite.

[Dazai's going to make sure Ango actually takes his shoulder.]

I'm not sure he's taken anything but breaks.

[A sad, slightly bitter smile plays on Ango's lips.]

That must be part of why you seem so much happier as well. He sounds like much more entertaining company.

He's not as cute as you, though.

[While this is flirting, it's also the truth.]

Cute?!

[Silly Ango... nothing makes a cute person cuter than objecting to being called cute! He's just flustered again, not actually offended, of course.]

Very cute~

[RIP Ango.]

Did your Dazai already steal you away?

[Dazai's charm is always the same no matter how different the circumstances, and it sets Ango's heart aflutter as always. Ango can't even bring himself to destroy the pleasant little moment by revealing the truth: that Oda was probably the only person Dazai ever loved, and now Ango doubts if he even has the capacity to do so again with someone else.]

No, no - that isn't how things are with me and Dazai-kun at all.

[That time and place is too heavy. Dazai doesn't want to talk about it, even if it isn't him that's had his chance of happiness destroyed in a life he still has to live.

Flirting is easier.]

In that case, are you single?

[On the one hand, getting involved with an alternate version of his unrequited love has to be the worst decision he's ever made in his life, and he got into this whole mess by trying to repair previous bad decisions, so he doesn't need to make any more.

On the other hand... this is likely his first, last, and only chance with Dazai, and if his mission to make Dazai happy is destined to fail, maybe letting them both enjoy themselves isn't such a bad compromise.]

Always. One might say perpetually so. My work has been my only partner since I finished school. [But now he's taking a break...]

You definitely need to take a break. Luckily for you, I'm happy to assist ♥

[He's already picturing tying Ango down so he can't overwork himself. That's probably an exaggeration... probably.]

[Who knows, Ango might like it...

He shoots Dazai another sidelong glance, then pauses in his steps to turn and look at the other man properly. None of this should feel so right, so easy and natural, but it does - and Ango isn't sure if that means he's giving up on his Dazai, or if maybe he's lucked into finding an iteration that might still have some room in his heart. It's still Dazai, after all, and Dazai's interest in him hasn't come from any outside influence or even any deliberate influence from Ango himself.]

I hope I can manage to give you - something in return. Even if happiness is aiming too high, I'll still do everything I can.

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