crowspace | SOULMATE AU MEME

[Dazai pauses, taking a moment to look at Ango more closely.

It's obvious by his nervous behavior that he's telling the truth and that he expects to be disbelieved. The looks aren't quite as far from how Ango was in life as they are from the summoned Ango, but neither are they a match.]

I'd believe you. If you're going to be named after a writer, Ango's not a bad choice.

A writer?

[Also "named after," which suggests that Ango and Dazai are from different generations, but that's not the most shocking part for him. Not yet, at least. He can't help but chuckle a bit helplessly under his breath at the thought of himself, the exhausted and overworked bookkeeper caught in several secret lives at once, trying to write anything.]

I see. The differences run deeper than I realized.

[Then Ango's entire reason for being there hits him so hard it nearly knocks him out of his chair: named after? If Sakaguchi Ango in this world could already have 20something men named in his honour, then... he turns toward Dazai with new urgency.]

No - Dazai-kun, am I too late? Is Odasaku-san still alive?

[He's wrong in several assumptions, the first of which is-]

You're about seventy years too late for that.

[-that the three of them lived in anything like 'modern times'.]

[What?

If Dazai is so thoroughly unstuck in time, then - how does Ango help? He can't. There's no way to help without saving Odasaku. This time he's not only been left with no options, but no trigger to start again.]

I'm sorry. I've tried everything, I've tried so hard, but - I'm so sorry, Dazai-kun. I don't think it can ever be set right.

I think you should probably explain what you're talking about.

[So far all he's managed to do is confuse the hell out of Dazai.]

[But how does he even explain?!

Well, first he gestures to the bartender again, because a clear head isn't going to help him at all. It's not even going to be an option in this complete clusterfuck.]

Whiskey on the rocks. I can pay, just so long as you ensure that I never see the bottom of my glass.

[Then he takes off his glasses and scrubs his hands over his face, which doesn't give any sign of having helped him regain his focus or calm when he lowers them.]

Have you heard of string theory, Dazai-kun? Or multiple parallel realities?

I think string theory's from a bit after my time, but I understand the concept of other realities.

[After his...

Wait.]

You're not meant to be here either, are you?

I was wondering if you knew you were talking to a ghost. If Ango and Odasaku are dead, then obviously Dazai should be dead too.

[They're a trio in any universe. That's just how things should be.]

[Dazai probably doesn't mean that as an accusation, but given what Ango's done in his own universe, it hits him in several uniquely painful ways.]

It was my fault. [Ango's voice gets thick with emotion, and he goes from watching Dazai too closely to avoiding his gaze at all costs.] Odasaku-san's death, in my own reality - it was my fault. And he was all you'd ever had, so I swore that I would make things right.

[The bartender finally brings his whiskey, but his throat feels much too tight to swallow anything, so he just stares at it.]

He just keeps dying. I can't do it, no matter - no matter what I do, you're left alone.

[Can Dazai see what Ango keeps missing yet?]

[This is obviously terribly painful for Ango, and Dazai almost feels like he doesn't have the right to say anything when he's in this state, but...]

...But he was brought back before I was, here? You can meet him if you want to.

No. You can't let me near him, or even tell me any more about him. This may be the one time -

[He's still missing something, though. The old trigger wouldn't make sense anymore, not here. And he can't cause the death of a ghost, surely.]

I don't understand. I don't know how I can change things to make you happy when they're like this.

[You can't if you're a responsible librarian and don't send him to get killed, anyway...]

...Trying to make me happy might be just about impossible. Even after dying and being brought back, that hasn't changed.

[The kind of person that Dazai is can't find peace, even after death.]

'I appreciate the thought' doesn't seem like the right thing to say...

[That's about the only answer that makes sense. Ango's wound up drinking with a ghost in this dead end of a universe because his task was always impossible, and now he's trapped here as his final punishment - for both his horrible actions and his misguided attempt to erase them for Dazai's sake.

And yet his only concern is still for Dazai, not himself or what he might lose if he never gets back to where he belongs. This tragic, infuriating young man has become his entire reason for existence.]

I'm not sure I'll be able to leave. [A very minor point, but a pressing one. It strikes him as darkly funny when he's forced to add:] Can I still accept your offer of a room for the night?

Of course.

[Dazai was going to let him stay when he was a stranger. Of course he'll let him stay now that he knows he's an Ango.]

But the Oda and Ango from this reality are there too. If you can't get near Oda, then I don't have any ideas.

[For just a fraction of a second, Ango looks like he's been slapped across the face.

Of course. Dazai has his own Ango here, along with his Odasaku.]

That shouldn't be the problem I first thought it might. I'm not even sure I have any purpose related to the - the three of you anymore.

Then, I'll see what I can do.

[After a moment, Dazai reaches out and gently pats Ango on the shoulder. He looks so pitiful, so lost without the only thing that had given him purpose for who knows how long, that Dazai can't not.]

Take a break while you're here.

[That's so darkly humorous that Ango actually laughs aloud.]

I've never taken a break in my life.

It's not too late to start!

[Laughing is better than what he was doing with his face before.]

[How about looking at Dazai like he hung the moon and stars? How's that for a new look on his face? Because Ango's weary smile softens into an expression just about that adoring.]

The oddest thing about all this is... you seem happier, somehow. Maybe not happy, but happier than I've ever known you.

I'm not surprised. If that Dazai and Oda lived a life where you could have gotten Oda killed from something other tuberculosis, he must set a very low standard for Dazai happiness.

Or maybe I just fake it better?

[Says someone who is without a doubt a much worse liar than Ango's Dazai.]

They're - they were -

[This is starting to make Ango's head spin. He doesn't know when to say "you" or "him," who to speak of in past tense instead of present... maybe he's too late to save himself from the effects of universe-hopping. Maybe he's trapped in this strange other world with madness's claws already dug most of the way into his brain.]

- God, I'm so tired.

You look like you need several naps. Come on, I'll lend you my shoulder.

[Dazai tosses some money at the bartender - enough to cover Ango's drinks as well as his - then stands up.]

[Even if Ango wanted to argue, he couldn't possibly work up the energy. He gives the bartender one last nod of thanks and follows Dazai out, quietly very grateful that he won't need to navigate Tokyo and find a hotel on his own.]

The Ango I'll be meeting tonight... is he anything at all like me?

The complete opposite.

[Dazai's going to make sure Ango actually takes his shoulder.]

I'm not sure he's taken anything but breaks.

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