crowspace | For ninjou.

[It started with a break-in. Well, if one wants to call it that when you steal someone's key out of their pocket and show up when they're not there... For a good cause, it's totally fine!

This is the cause:

One, Dazai is madly in love with one (1) Oda Sakunosuke.

Two, Dazai is a massive social failure.

Three, Dazai remembered a good anniversary for the first time in his life. Two months! A record for Dazai, relationship-wise. But this one's special. This is Odasaku. And there's no one in the world like him.

He managed to get the details on Odasaku's work for the day, and he knows the approximate time that he'll be home. It's plenty of time for him to set things up. Surreptitiously, he brings in food, candles, flowers, and a few nice decorations. Also a balloon, because everyone loves balloons or they're stupid.

He first sets about cooking dinner. It's going well, and the curry is simmering nicely. He's done two pots, one for himself with only the mildest of spices, one for Odasaku with... spices. Some amount of spices. All the extra spices from his, he dumped in there, because Odasaku likes it hot hot hot! And who is he to judge? No judging, just helping. So the perfect pot of eye- and nose- and tongue-burning curry awaits. While it's reducing, Dazai sets rice in the cooker he bought, and warms water in the kettle he purchased, because Odasaku needs both. Cooling in a small tub of ice are two bottles of wine. Honestly, he's not sure what Odasaku likes in a wine, so there's also a nice, small, expensive bottle of whiskey.

Next! Dazai hums merrily to himself, setting the table with a lovely tablecloth, even pulling out a book on etiquette so he can set the dishes just so. Everything has to be perfect for their first real date. Table set, it's time for the flowers and candles. He lights a trio of pillars around a floral centerpiece. Beautiful. White, pure as Odasaku's heart, and intense burgundy, for the depth of their affection. Or something. He asked what a girl would like for a romantic date and this is what the florist gave him.

Anyway.

Candles are lit, food is simmering, table is set. Now to the bedroom. Whether or not they avail themselves of it, it too will be perfect. He changes the sheets out first, setting the bed with new bronze-colored sheets and gold pillows, all far fancier than what Odasaku would ever do for himself. He'll have clean and pressed pajamas as well, and Dazai even puts a notion of a spritz of his own cologne under one of the pillows. It's romantic! He's decided this. And atop the bed, he scatters a sparing number of rose petals, putting the rest in a cup in the bathroom for a lovely bath after. Beside this, there's a new aftershave, some expensive shave cream, and a milky, woodsy scented bubble bath.

Oh! He forgot! Not that it'll be necessary unless things go a certain way, but Dazai nestles some scented massage oil, lube, and a few condoms (ambitious!) in a folded silk handkerchief in front of the pillows. It's like a hotel. Only sexy.

A delicious smell wafts in from the kitchen. Also, a not-so-delicious smell. The good smell is rice and spices. He has no idea what the other smell is... Until he leaves the bedroom--]

Oh. Shit.

[--to find the bouquet in the center of the table wilting from the heat of the candles, with a few leaves already crisp.

A leaf falls.

The tablecloth is not flame-resistant.

He rushes over, cool-headed but actually freaking out because this isn't his home and if he burns it down this becomes the worst date ever. But he can salvage this! He reaches for the flowers and grabs the vase beneath burning leaves, moving to throw it into the sink where it can do its burning thing safely. The water is turned on to curb that, obviously. Then he shakes the flowers out of the vase and begins to fill it up so he can potentially douse the two small burning spots on the table. The wooden table.

Which is when the door opens.]

[Odasaku's first thought, when he realizes he doesn't have his keys with him, isn't 'how did I lose my keys' but 'this is probably Dazai's fault'.

He's a very organized person when it comes to important things, and his keys are always in the same place every morning, and he always remembers to put them in his coat - it's always the same pocket, even. So when he realizes he doesn't have his keys at all, he thinks there are good odds that Dazai is involved somehow.

He returns home from mafia business as soon as he can to find that the door is unlocked. That's good. Not being able to get into his own apartment would be unfortunate and embarrassing.]

Dazai, are you in-

[When he has the door open is when he first smells smoke.

Dazai is definitely in here. Fire is also in here.]

--Do you need help?

[It's kind of a ridiculous question, but he's not exactly sure how to react to Dazai setting fire to his apartment.]

[Yes, Dazai is in!

In. Trouble.

But he looks up at Odasaku with a smile as he dumps water on the center of the table.]

Odasaku! How was your day?

[Okay, a little more water should do it... but now the curry smells funny. He had the heat up too high for the small portion in his own pot, so they are now treated to the smell of scalding mild curry, mingling with the overwhelming scent of the hot curry that is for Odasaku.

The rice cooker beeps. The kettle clicks, then beeps as well.

Everything is fine.]

It was fine?

[Up until now, because what is going on in here, actually.

Okay. Things are beeping in the kitchen. Let's start with that.]

I can get those for you.

[Dazai is clearly Very Busy and does not need to be concerned. Odasaku starts towards the kitchen with the intent of turning off anything that looks done or burnt.]

If you don't mind turning off the rice...

[Okay, so he's confident that the burning is done on the table. Now he's stopping, deflating a bit as the balloon bobs behind Odasaku's chair, and as water drips down onto the carefully wrapped gift on the seat. But... things must be fixed! He rushes into the kitchen with a forced, bright smile, and shoos Odasaku away from the curry.]

It's perfect! It's perfect. It'll be great. Can you... ah, stir it... [He shoves two spoons into Odasaku's hands, not bothering to register that one pot is wholly ruined. Then back to the table. He's humming happily because nothing is wrong and everything is fine and there are black marks on the table's surface and a massive hole in the tablecloth. The candles are doused. There's water on the plates.

HE CAN SALVAGE THIS.

He'll just... carefully use the cloth napkins to wrangle the water away from Odasaku's side of the table, and stack the plates and utensils neatly on his own side so he can begin removing the tablecloth. Of course, he forgets the wine glasses, and one falls from the table. Fortunately, it doesn't break!

So he scoops it up and keeps smiling. He keeps smiling as he carries the plates into the kitchen, fine china he brought in himself, real silver silverware, and crystal glasses... All precariously perched. They get dumped into the sink, on the opposite side from the vase and flowers.]

Right! Plastic it is!

[Oooookay then.

Odasaku, for his part, nods, and turns off the rice cooker and water kettle first. Then he gives the curry a closer look - okay, that one's burnt, might as well just turn that off before giving the other one a stir.

That... that smells very spicy, doesn't it. Even by his standards.]

Plastic is practical anyway.

[He's trying to be reassuring about this. It's fine, Dazai, it's totally fine except for the parts where it isn't.]

[He tried. He tried so hard. The smile remains for just a moment, until he sees Odasaku looking at the curries. It falters.]

I made them from scratch. Ah... that one's a little burnt, isn't it? Well, the other one's fine, and it's for you. That's what matters! I'll be fine with the rice~

[After a pause, with a plastic plate in his hands, he leans over to try to give Odasaku a kiss on the cheek. He slips on water and misses, stumbling past him, fortunately not upsetting the food or anything. A nonchalant walk back to the plates is in order. So... plastic plates, plastic cups, and some usual silverware. It's fine. Off to the table he goes to finish removing the tablecloth, and to use some towels to mop up the water.

It's after a few seconds of this that everything finally sort of... fails.]

I think... I burned your table. I'll buy you a new one.

You don't have to. Tables are expensive.

[He's probably going to get himself something cheap. Maybe something less prone to catching on fire. That's a concern he didn't realize he had with tables until now.

Odasaku will just carry the food to the table for him, avoiding any remaining water on the floor in the process.]

I'm not mad.

[He feels like he should establish this.]

[He's shoving the book back into his pocket just as Odasaku enters, and the plates are set perfectly, with the silverware and cups in place, too. At least that part is done right. He's in the process of dabbing at the soggy gift wrap now, laughing it off as best he can.]

No, it's my fault! It's fine, though. It had a wobbly leg...

[No it didn't.]

Ahh... doesn't that smell good? It's a super secret recipe I found online. "The Perfect Curry."

[He brightens up and smiles again, looking eagerly at Odasaku for a reaction before he remembers the wine and whiskey.]

I'll... go get the drinks!

[Odasaku's pretty sure it didn't have a wobbly leg, but he's not going to argue.]

Thank you for cooking. I'm sure it'll be delicious.

[Even if the candles were not a great idea, surely that's the limit of how wrong a well-planned meal can go.

Ahahaha.

He switches the seat cushion that has the soggy gift on it for a different chair's cushion, then has a seat.]

You're welcome~

[At least this part will be good! For sure! He made it extra spicy just for Odasaku. It's probably not as good as his usual place, since it's an amateur effort, but it's made with affection!

Dazai returns with the white wine and the whiskey, corkscrew in hand.]

I wasn't sure what kind of wine you liked... So I bought my usual whiskey, too.

[Oh! The gift!]

You should open that while the food cools off.

[The wine looks fine. Odasaku opens up the soggy gift - it's not hard with how wet the paper is.

Ah. Silk pajamas that are almost soaked through. Odasaku runs his thumb over the material.]

These look nice.

[They were probably much nicer without water involved, but maybe dry-cleaning can rescue them.]

Thank you, Osamu.

[Ah. Good. He seems satisfied with the wine! One thing is going well enough.

But the expensive pajamas are soaked through, their deep reddish purple almost pathetically black.]

They were nicer about twenty minutes ago... but... happy anniversary anyway.

Edited 2016-11-30 03:40 (UTC)

[-ah. It has been two months since they officially began to date, hasn't it. Odasaku smiles.]

Happy anniversary.

[He didn't need to go through all this for him, but - Dazai gets a soft kiss on the lips for his troubles.]

[He accepts the kiss and delicately returns it before taking a seat opposite Odasaku. There's really no food for Dazai now, but he spoons up a scoop of rice to pick at so nothing is awkward.

Oh, of course he missed something. The reason he'd made hot water.]

I forgot to make the miso.

[A little laugh sounds, and he shakes his head.]

For a person who always knows what to do, I'm failing pretty badly. Hopefully the curry is fine...

[Odasaku decides right then that he cannot let on to Dazai that the curry is anything less than delicious.

It's good that he decided that before actually trying it, because that is too spicy. Odasaku barely manages not to cough, but it feels like his entire mouth is on fire.]

It's - it's really good.

[He takes a sip of wine.]

[And Dazai, choosing not to read context clues right now, forcing himself to be oblivious, smiles broadly and nearly slides out of his chair in relief.]

Thank goodness! I'm so happy! That was the hardest part. I know you like it spicy, right? But it's too hot for me to try it. I did it until I could smell it, so it smells like what you always get...

[Well, now he really can't say anything.]

It's delicious. I'm only sorry yours didn't come out well.

[He has another tiny, tiny bite, followed by another sip of wine.]

[Those are very small bites, but maybe he's just savoring it.

No.

Dazai can smell it from across the table. Dammit. He... completely ruined dinner. Just... smile and try not to facepalm. Nope, he puts his head in his hands rather briefly before running his hands over his hair.]

Do you want me to order something for delivery? Don't make yourself sick if it's not good.

[...Ah, he's bad at deceiving anyone as usual. Odasaku sets his spoon down.]

I'm sorry. Rice will be fine.

[Something will go right. Something will go right. Dazai's not hurt, he swears. Not at all. Nope. He messed up and it's his fault, not Odasaku's.

They'll laugh about this someday. With a slightly crooked smile, Dazai pulls his phone out and waves it a bit.]

Are you sure? I'll pay. I'll get you real curry!

I don't want you to go out of your way for me.

[...though that's long since a lost cause, at this stage.]

Rice is fine. Let's just relax. Tell me about your day.

[Odasaku has seen only the burnt tip of the iceberg. Well... okay, about half of the iceberg. The rest is waiting for after dinner.

But he can do this! He'll make it work. A few things are punched up on the phone, and he puts on some sweet, soft music of the type he knows Odasaku will appreciate. Then they can... at their rice. Mmmmm rice.]

I've been here most of the day. When I saw you this morning, I stole your key! It took a few hours to sneak everything in.

It looks like it took a while.

[He really only has seen about half, and it's still impressive.

The music is nice, though. Odasaku relaxes a little into his seat.]

I don't think I own a rice cooker.

[Ah. He fusses with his phone a little, picks at his rice, then gives up, setting the chopsticks down.]

You do now! And the kettle, too.

For ninjou.

FAIL DATE

WOOO

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