crowspace | call me out v. 11.0

[For an uncomfortably long moment - not just for Dazai, Akutagawa feels the seconds crawl forward just as painfully - Akutagawa can only stand and stare flatly at the door being held for him. Not only is that an incredible gesture for (a) Dazai to make, it's one Akutagawa can't imagine anyone doing for him, except maybe...

... and then he rips his gaze away and strides ahead into the restaurant, cheeks burning hotly, because the only other person he can imagine being so solicitous of his needs is Higuchi. It's enough to get him coughing shallowly into his hand, but only for a moment.]

All surprise feels much the same, positive or negative, when it reaches a certain intensity. [Back to distant and chilly again. Nailed it.]

[It's an awkward pause, but Dazai doesn't mind. He doesn't mind looking at Akutagawa for longer than necessary, after all.

He follows after, and thankfully it doesn't take long for them to be seated, because he'd much rather look at Akutagawa than their waitress.]

Don't worry about the price, it's on me.

[Will this Dazai ever allow him to regain his composure for more than a second or two at a time?! This time he chokes on a sip of water, and his menu slips from his hands and falls at his feet beneath the table.]

I - didn't intend to imply - with my request -

[Bad news, Dazai: now Akutagawa looks scared. Surely he must have overstepped his boundaries for Dazai to think he was expecting this meal for free!]

[Why is Akutagawa making that face? It's fortunate that Dazai doesn't have to look at it while he's picking up the menu Akutagawa dropped.]

I'm the one who invited you to lunch, so I'm paying. Is that not how it's done here...?

[Are there cultural differences between the alternate realities??]

No, I -

[How can he make this right...? Which is the right answer? Akutagawa stares down at the pretty red shade of Dazai's hair as if it might hold all the answers, and when Dazai sits back up with his menu, notices the little gold barrette in his hair for the first time.

It's an oddly charming touch, especially when Akutagawa also notices that it's holding a small plait behind his ear.

This... definitely is not the same Dazai.]

- I apologize, Dazai-san. Social customs are not a particular strength of mine. [Quieter, to hide the true depth of his embarrassment:] Nor are any social skills.

[Oh. Just embarrassment and nervousness, then. This Akutagawa... is really cute.

Dazai holds Akutagawa's menu out to him with a smile.]

It's alright. If you want to know a secret... social skills aren't my strong suit either. I just make up for it with sincerity.

[He'll never be quite able to understand other people, and he's accepted that, but on a good day he doesn't let that stop him from spending time with people he likes.]

[Sincerity. That must be the ease and softness Akutagawa can feel radiating from this Dazai, which keeps making his heart flit around his chest like a finch instead of beating properly. He manages to accept his menu back without making a scene, and though he clearly has no idea how to react to being smiled at so gently, his own features soften just a fraction.]

Sincerity - is not a common trait in my work, nor is it a valued commodity. [And finally he manages to look at Dazai with cautious curiosity rather than fear or shock, the way one ought to regard a person they've just met.] I was informed that you and the others from this parallel reality are writers. Is that correct?

[The more Akutagawa relaxes, the easier and softer Dazai's smile gets. He's famous, but he isn't someone to be afraid of, and more importantly he has no desire to upset Akutagawa.

Even if he weren't an Akutagawa... he hasn't done anything wrong, and there's no need to speak like he's afraid of triggering a landmine with his words.]

That's right! I'd be happy to show you my books any time you'd like.

[His writing is his pride, and he glows even more when he talks about it. But before he can brag about it too much, the polite thing is to ask-]

What do you do, Akutagawa-san?

[Even if the two Dazais look nothing alike, it's still strange to see this one light up with genuine happiness and pride in his work, given how mechanically Dazai went about his Mafia business. Oh, he could be roused to cold fury easily enough, but any positive expression of feeling always ended up being a lie. Even now, his occasional over-the-top cheer usually reads as synthetic to Akutagawa's eyes and ears.

This Dazai seems to warm and brighten at the drop of a hat. He's not unlike a flickering candle flame that swells and dances with the air currents in the room. It's strange and sort of lovely.

Ah...]

I'm an assassin. [Neither ashamed nor boasting, just matter-of-fact as always.] It was the Dazai-san I know that found me as an empty, ephemeral shadow lost in deeper darkness and breathed life into me by giving me purpose. Until that moment I had never understood why or how I came to exist, only that I had never earned the right.

[He meets Dazai's gaze a touch too intensely.]

You see now why I had to meet you.

[Given what he knows about the others - detectives, government agents - hearing Akutagawa say matter-of-factly that he's an assassin is... not as shocking as it could have been. Dazai's eyes widen, but it's just surprise and not fear.

What Akutagawa says next, about not knowing why he existed... resonates deeply with Dazai. The memory of begging his teacher to tell him the purpose of his existence is still fresh in his mind.

"I'm sorry for being born."]

I understand. ...I'm glad you found a reason for your existence. I never could.

[He understands?

No one has ever understood, and most people have argued Akutagawa's view with him until they're both blue in the face, but - another Dazai understands. What's worse, this one has no purpose of his own.

Well. Akutagawa's job here is clear.]

You must be the best. If strength will not serve you as an author, then let it be skill and artistry instead. Only those who can rise above all others and claim their place among the living deserve the life they have been given.

I can do that! No, I will do that.

[After all, Dazai already knows he's among the best of modern Japan's authors - most famous, most influential, bestselling. Akutagawa-sensei will always be his better, but second place is enough to make his life worthwhile.

He's been told that his books mean a great deal to a great many people. Surely that's evidence enough that his life had some meaning?

Dazai's smile is bright. Of course it is, when Akutagawa just gave him an incredibly precious thing.]

Thank you, Akutagawa-san!

[There he is, all lit up again. It's so impossible to figure out what will make him do that, especially now that it seems to be Akutagawa himself that's done it.]

This is only a debt repaid, nothing requiring thanks. [Not that he'll ever believe he could repay what the other Dazai did for him - and not that he told this Dazai so much out of any sense of duty. This was only meant to ensure that someone else wouldn't wither and fade the way he so nearly did.

Look at how red his cheeks are, though, and how the scowl trying to etch deep lines into his brows never really takes hold. Is someone having a tsuntsun moment?]

[Is Akutagawa blushing? That's even more cute than he already was. Strangely, knowing that he's an assassin doesn't make Dazai think he's any less adorable.]

Dazai-san and I aren't the same, so you can't repay your debt to him through me. [Even if that were entirely the reason.] And this is worth much more than the price of your food.

Now I'm in your debt, Akutagawa-sensei.

D-Don't be absurd! There's no - I haven't -

[Lord, he needs to pull himself together already. Even if this Dazai doesn't watch everything he does with critical eyes, Akutagawa still doesn't like looking like a fool in his company.

He cups a hand over his mouth while regathering his composure, then looks Dazai levelly in the eye - and promptly feels the fluttering in his chest start up all over again because Dazai's honey-coloured eyes are so kind.]

- if that is truly how you feel, I have no objection.

[Akutagawa keeps tripping over his own words, but Dazai doesn't want to mock him. Or even tease him, since he feels like Akutagawa would take that the wrong way.]

Then, Akutagawa-sensei it is.

[Akutagawa's lucky their waitress returns about then, since it'll give him a minute to breathe without Dazai flustering him.]

[Unfortunately, Akutagawa hasn't given a moment's thought to what he should order. He glances back down at his menu and picks something light enough to sit comfortably in his stomach - probably something that resembles bird or rabbit food more closely than an omnivore's diet - then takes the opportunity of Dazai speaking with the waitress to look him over more closely.

Not stare, thankfully, since his gaze flicks all over Dazai's face and hair until they're once again facing each other.]

I still don't like being referred to as your sensei. You already have an Akutagawa-sensei in your life. [And Akutagawa's got this liiiiiittle issue about being replaceable in the eyes of Dazais.]

[Dazai orders crab - the Dazais are similar in the area of their taste in food, if not how they treat Akutagawas.]

You have a point... Well, would Akutagawa-sama work better?

[Akutagawa gives him another long, wary look at that - then sighs when he realizes Dazai still isn't asking such ludicrous questions to bait him into an incorrect answer. He's just... kind of silly about a lot of things, apparently.]

That's even more absurd.

[Don't look now, Dazai, but Akutagawa may have cracked the tiniest smile ever. Or at least a pre-smile relaxing of his lips ever so slightly upwards.]

[Dazai's that kind of person to say silly things, especially if-]

Maybe, but it got you to smile. That's worth being a little absurd.

[Akutagawa should smile more. Then Dazai wouldn't have to be so absurd.]

[And now Akutagawa's blushing again. He should give up on saving face at this point, because not only is it not going to happen the way he wants or expects, but it's not what Dazai wants in the slightest. Just this once, he's being encouraged not to lock himself inside a protective and numbing layer of ice that can only be melted by the white-hot fires of homicidal rage.

What are all the smaller, subtler emotions between those two poles? He knows their names, has seen them in others, but he's not sure how most of them would manifest in himself. For the time being, he just concentrates very hard on not losing his smile in the hot wash of embarrassment that consumes him - and he does relatively well, though the corners of his mouth do stiffen a touch.]

Now I do know what I expected, and why you surprised me. I expected the Dazai-san who created me, or perhaps the one who abandoned me, but never his opposite.

[Akutagawa is hard to read. Perhaps he's not used to showing emotions in the first place. Perhaps it's just the eyebrows that make his expressions look muted and strange.

Despite that, Dazai decides then and there that he'll make it his mission to make Akutagawa smile more often.]

I'm fine with that. You already have a Dazai-san in your life, I'd like to make you smile on my own merits.

[Hnnnnnn Dazai stop making him feel so warm inside. He's starting to worry about low-grade fever because nothing else has ever brought on this sort of diffuse, pleasant warmth all throughout his body.]

Then I should call you something else as well. If Dazai-kun isn't too familiar... [Since it's something he's heard around from those who didn't work beneath Dazai, and he's always envied them that familiarity.]

I don't mind it at all.

[Even if he's sure that he's older than this Akutagawa... it doesn't matter, who cares, Akutagawa's calling him Dazai-kun and it's cute.]

Akutagawa-san. I'm glad I was able to meet you.

[Akutagawa frowns uncertainly at Dazai, but this time it's not out of fear, only concern.]

You say that as though this will be the only time.

[Please please please please please don't let this be the only time. Please.]

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