For ninjou.

[tenimuho]

[For some time now, Dazai had been... the center of unusual occurrences.

Calling them 'supernatural' wasn't precisely it, since Dazai dealt with supernatural abilities on a regular basis. These were on a much smaller scale, barely fit to be called 'disturbances'.

Pens falling off his desk with no apparent cause. Books being closed one moment and open the next time anyone glanced their way, only when in Dazai's presence. In the most dramatic incident, a roll of bandages had caught fire.

No one could adequately explain what was going on, not even Ranpo, although he did shoot down most theories besides Atsushi's somewhat joking "maybe you're being haunted, Dazai-san?"

There's a whiteboard in the agency's planning room, which Dazai is currently occupying by himself. The markers are capped and definitely immobile.]

DAZAI

[But that wasn't written on the board the last time Dazai glanced that way, about two seconds ago.]

Comments

[tenimuho]

YES

[At least you won't get hand cramps.]

[ninjou]

[He's lazy.]

So, you're either someone I used to know, who had an ability I don't know about, which is mostly impossible, or you're a ghost.

[And ghosts should not be a thing.]

[tenimuho]

[You have no proof they're not a thing.]

I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WAS A GHOST
FLAWLESS DOESN'T DO THIS

[ninjou]

[Nope.]

[tenimuho]

[He can also see that expression.]

IS IT REALLY THAT UNLIKELY

[ninjou]

[ N O P E ]

Odasaku...?

[tenimuho]

IT'S ME

SHOULD I HAVE SAID THAT FROM THE START?

[Probably, Odasaku.]

[ninjou]

That would have made this easier.

[HE DOES NOT BELIEVE YOU but he sounds somber rather quickly.]

You think I'm lonely?

[tenimuho]

I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE
I WANTED TO ASK IF YOU STILL WERE

[Even ghosts don't know everything, or read minds. And Dazai is very good at pretending, even pretending to like people.]

[ninjou]

[Well, it's a complicated situation, isn't it? Dazai's life now is full of contradictions and good people and bad people and moderate amounts of hatred but mostly a place where he almost belongs.

For Odasaku, he'll tell the honest truth.]

Sometimes.

[A pause.]

Tell me something only the two of us know. I still don't believe you.

[tenimuho]

HUMANS LIVE TO SAVE THEMSELVES.

[Odasaku's next-to-last words. He thinks that Dazai still remembers the moment, maybe even as well as he does.

After a moment's consideration, another message writes itself: something less full of painful memories, maybe.]

YOU WERE NEVER VERY GOOD WITH THE CURRY AT FREEDOM. YOU SAID IT WAS LIKE IT HAD BEEN SEASONED WITH LAVA.

[They'd never eaten with anyone else there besides the restaurant owner and occasionally the kids.]

[ninjou]

[Oh.

Dazai remembers that moment. It's burned into him like a brand, the words memorized, the truth Odasaku spoke to him at last, after he'd offered so many of his own too freely. What they realized too late.

Friendship.

Dazai gets a chair and drags it in front of the board, faces the back towards it and sits on it in reverse, chin resting on its top.]

It's different now. That's what it really is. I don't have much to say about how things used to be.

[tenimuho]

THAT'S OKAY

[He and Dazai have never shared much about themselves, and there's no reason that should change much now. This question that he'd asked... he would never have asked it in life.]

'SOMETIMES' IS BETTER THAN ALWAYS
SO I'M GLAD

[Odasaku is, and will always be, Dazai's friend.]

[ninjou]

[Clearly they've learned a lot with the passage of time.

I miss you. He wants to say it, but he can't force it past his lips. Maybe something else.]

Did you know detergent tastes terrible? I vomited for two days.

[tenimuho]

[If whiteboards could sigh, one would be doing that right now. Some things don't change.]

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
I HOPE YOU STILL HAD SOME LEFT FOR YOUR LAUNDRY

[ninjou]

I used the industrial kind. Like you use for cleaning floors.

[Yep. That's Dazai.]

Lemony fresh! It's all the rage.

[He laughs a little, hollow, but as genuine as he can muster.]

[tenimuho]

[Odasaku wouldn't be laughing even if he could be, so that's at least one kindness in the situation.]

SOME THINGS DON'T CHANGE
BUT YOU'VE CHANGED MORE THAN I KNEW YOU COULD

[A long pause, so long that Dazai would be forgiven for thinking Odasaku was just waiting on his reply.]

THANK YOU

[ninjou]

[He'd want him to laugh, somehow, even if it would be wildly uncharacteristic. He'd just want Odasaku to laugh, period. Anything but die.

But he can't wallow. It is what it is.]

Don't thank me.

[tenimuho]

WHY NOT

[Dazai can probably imagine Odasaku's expression. 'Mildly confused' is one he wore a lot.]

[ninjou]

I should be the one thanking you.

[He covers his eyes so he won't see any responses given.]

I did what you said. I listened to someone who actually cared. It's strange, you know, to have people who care about me now. [A scoff.] They think they do. It's a weird little thing... like a family, or co-workers. No, somewhere in between. You would like them. Except the doctor, she's super, super S. You might be a little scared. Everyone else... Well, that would bore you. They're good people. They're probably too good for me, but they gave me a job and I've helped them. They know who I am, but they don't know what I've done, not all of it, so I laugh a little when I think about how they're just being lied to. At least you knew, right? You were right there. People were really scared of me back then, and now they just think I'm eccentric. Isn't that funny?

What do you think?

[He looks up finally.]

[tenimuho]

[There's a pause, as Odasaku carefully considers his words.]

I THINK WE'RE SIMILAR THAT WAY

YOU'VE DONE TERRIBLE THINGS [and no one will deny it, least of all Odasaku]
SO YOU'VE LOST THE QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A DECENT PERSON
AND EVERYONE WHO THINKS YOU ARE IS BEING LIED TO

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK AND WHAT I THOUGHT
EVEN THOUGH IT HAD BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I KILLED ANYONE, IN MY MIND I WAS STILL AN ASSASSIN
AND YOU'RE STILL A MAFIA EXECUTIVE?

[ninjou]

[Dazai nods, hoping he can see it, then runs his hands over his hair.]

That's the really funny thing about it. I don't feel that different, but I feel like I've changed at the same time. I'm never going to be able to make up for what I've done, but I don't want to. Look forward, not back.

I want you to be proud, not to thank me.

[tenimuho]

[Now, more than ever, Odasaku wishes Dazai could see him.]

OF COURSE I'M PROUD
I THOUGHT IT WENT WITHOUT SAYING

[Because he's smiling, genuinely. Dazai has done so much good, even with everything that's been troubling him and working against him. He's changed so much.

How could Odasaku possibly not be proud?]

[ninjou]

[He needed him to say it. Dazai feigns a laugh.]

Ah, you probably think I'm as childish as ever! But listen... I'll keep going. I might die tomorrow, so I'll keep doing my best.

[For you.]

[tenimuho]

I BELIEVE IN YOU

[There's another pause, and then Dazai might feel the lightest pressure briefly, like a hand laid on his shoulder.

There's nothing and no one if he looks, though.]