crowspace | call me out v. 14.0

...Okay, but I'm not going to know why you're mad if you don't tell me?

[Like. He can tell that Tsuchigomori is upset, but he didn't think he was doing anything harmful...?]

[Tsuchigomori lets go of Suga's shoulder with a sigh, folding his arms in front of him with Suga's book against his chest.]

I shouldn't have to explain to you why what you're doing is a bad idea--you've met Seven-sama already, haven't you? Or have heard stories about his brother?

The existence of a ghost is a miserable one, bound by grudges and regrets. They're subject to the same influence of rumors that all supernaturals are. I've never met a ghost who's happy - you don't have to explain that to me.

If you really know that, then why would you research on how to become one yourself? Do you think that you will somehow be an exception to the rule for something like this?

Of course not. Do I seem like that type of person...?

[Honestly, Tsuchi should know him better than that. His own happiness isn't a factor at all.]

...I talked to Yako. About what happens to supernaturals after the humans they care for die.

[For a second, Tsuchigomori appears to be startled by that, before he's quick to frown--]

And you actually believed whatever that stupid fox had to say about the subject?

I didn't really want to ask her about it, but talking with Hanako about why you haven't properly made me your mate would be way too weird, so...

[Yako was unfortunately the best choice.]

Excuse me?

[Tsuchigomori very nearly drops the book he's holding at that--apparently, even if he had glanced at Suga's future, it seems he either didn't read far enough or it just didn't actually tell him that's why Suga is doing this when he read that Suga was looking up dark rituals for becoming a ghost.]

That's what you've been worried about?

Yes. I assumed it was something I did, or that I wasn't good enough... But Yako said you were probably worried about getting too attached and then having a breakdown after I'm gone.

Was she mistaken?

[If Tsuchigomori tells him that it's because he isn't good enough after all, Suga will believe him.]

[That gets a tired sigh, because of course he should have expected that Yako would be the one to tell Suga something like that. And while he would love to disagree and say that she is mistaken... there is some truth to it.]

Saying that I would have a breakdown is... a rather drastic way to put it, and I'm going to have a word with her about this later, but this time I am inclined to believe that for once, she did have your best interests at heart here when saying that.

[One of his hands goes back to reaching for Suga again, this time wanting to rest on one of Suga's own.]

You haven't done something wrong in regards to our relationship, nor are you someone that isn't "good enough" for me. In fact, I'd argue that I'm the one that isn't deserving of you, but I already know that you're going to argue against it, and then we would both just be sitting here talking in circles.

[Suga gives Tsuchigomori's hand a squeeze. It helps to be holding onto him - it usually does.]

We would be. But I'm glad to hear that all the same.

...I can't make it so that I live as long as you. But I can at least make it so that I don't leave you. So that's why.

[Tsuchigomori looks around to make sure they are indeed alone, and after a long moment he takes a seat here next to Suga, because it feels like he should be at proper eyelevel having this conversation.]

Believe me when I say that I don't want you to leave me. Or vice versa. I will admit that I am... not looking forward to that happening, when one's lifespan inevitably ends.

[Which, thinking about causes his hand to squeeze Suga's back perhaps a bit more possessively than he means to, but he forces his hand to relax as he continues.]

But I also can't in good conscience tell you that becoming a ghost would be a desirable idea. It's possible that Yu--Number Seven may seem alright despite his current state as one himself, but... his brother is also around as a prime example of why that isn't always a positive outcome when a human dies.

[Suga leans a little into Tsuchigomori's shoulder.]

In my experience, most ghosts are more like Tsukasa than Hanako. I don't have enough grudges to be that bad, but I don't expect it to be a positive thing.

No, it likely won't be. Even if you had no grudges to carry, it's still quite the burden.

[He looks off in the direction of the third floor hallway, as if checking to make sure that Hanako isn't about to come in here upon being spoken about behind his back, but--]

You're not the same person you were before you died. Sometimes it's just in appearance or one's abilities, other times it can be one's memories and personality that's affected. Even if you are still here "in spirit", there is no guarantee that a part of you still won't be lost. Honorable Number Seven, for example... he may look, sound, and have the memories of "Yugi Amane", but now he's "Hanako, the Seventh School Wonder"...

[This is probably the only time that Tsuchigomori has ever called Hanako as "Hanako" in front of Suga, as normally he refuses to do so. But in this case, it's necessary to get his point across.]

There is also the matter of the individual who has not too long ago become our third School Wonder: he looks and sounds like a human boy who used to go to this school and ended up dying, but his memories have been torn apart from the trauma of becoming a ghost and from outside interference. [read: fucking Tsukasa] In a sense, the person he once was is gone, while what's left of him that shares his face is now being forced to remain here.

The truth of the matter is that as a ghost, you may end up becoming someone else from the experience in some manner. And then you wouldn't be the person I loved anymore the moment that does happen.

[...Ah. Suga stiffens, and he squeezes Tsuchi's hand again.]

I'm sorry. I've been very foolish about this, haven't I?

Yes.

[Which, is rather blunt of him to agree with, but then he leans in closer to Suga, resting his chin against Suga's head for a moment as he closes his eyes and sighs.]

But I'm also sorry too... for not having said something sooner about this. I didn't mean to make you worry or think that you were somehow not good enough for me here because I had not done certain things yet.

[Tsuchi is blunt sometimes. Suga can't say he's much better.]

Are those... Do you want to do those things with me? I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do, but...

[He wants to be Tsuchi's properly, in all ways, in all forms.]

... I've thought about it. Frequently, in fact.

[He admits, as he abandons the book on the table with his remaining human hand now to run curl around Suga, while the one holding Suga's hand continues to hold tight. He still has his chin resting on top of Suga's head as he speaks.]

But I also don't want to hurt you either. [A pause, before he clarifies.] I don't mean physically, though mating bites can hurt, especially when performed on humans, but... it's more the concern that I don't want to put undue stress upon you with the connotations of what that sort of bond means mentally and emotionally.

[Suga gives Tsuchi's hand another squeeze.]

Tell me what you're worried about. I want to be yours, so... We'll work through it together, okay?

[Instead of one of them making a stupid decision on his own.]

I don't know how much I can still say without somehow changing something significant.

[Suga won't be able to see him doing it from this position, but judging by the movement of Tsuchigomori's head, it's easily to guess that he's turned to glance at the book on the table. The one depicting Suga's eventual fate.]

...Not sure how I feel about Fate caring about my love life.

[This is? A private matter? Excuse him?]

Supernatural parts aside - relationships always have a little bit of emotional strain sometimes, don't they? But being with you is worth it.

At least consider it, please?

[Listen, Tsuchigomori is Not A Fan of it either. It's very irritating just how much Fate wants to have a hand in everything. Now he almost understands how Yashiro feels, as funny as it was to poke at the kid for her romantic failures once in a while... but then, thinking of Yashiro is another momentary stab of pain, remembering what he knows about her fate here in the near future.

Still, there's a pause where Tsuchigomori is silent here, before he squeezes Suga's hand.]

Okay.

Okay.

[Reluctantly, Suga stands up, with a small smile on his face.]

When you're done with work, come over so I can kiss you senseless, please.

Alright.

[He is very much okay with that idea, and it is very tempting to ditch work, but no, he's gotta be the responsible one here. And he needs to return Suga's book to the records of Fate anyway, so reluctantly, he stands up as well and picks it up, leaving to disappear back to his private library.

The book on rituals is still left where Suga had it though, still open to whatever page Suga had been looking at before. Is he going to keep reading it or take it with him anywhere?]

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